It seems as if it was just yesterday. I remember all the details so perfectly. It was beautiful, but yet it was horrible. To lose someone you love so very much and to wait for their last breath is a horrible thing.
Will I ever get over my grief? Will I ever have days when I don't cry?
We went out for a drive and to eat a few days ago in our "new" car. I thought it would be nice. I ended up crying most of the way home. We took a ride on the four wheeler. I still had such sadness.
Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever be able to laugh and smile and not have it feel fake?
This past week we celebrated Independence Day with a picnic and fireworks at my son and daughter-in-laws home. How Amy loved to go there! We have not been there since Amy died. There were a lot of people invited and I dreaded going. I was such a jumble of nerves and I just didn't want to go, but I knew my family would want me to go and I knew Amy would want me to go. So I braved it and pasted a smile on my face and did a lot of pretending. It was hard, so very hard. A dear friend gave me a hug when I first got there and asked how I was doing. That nearly brought out the tears but I hung on. No Amy to push in her chair, to get her food and feed her first before me. No Amy to enjoy the surprise shower and the beautiful rainbow in the sky. No Amy to laugh at the fire works when the loud noise scared her! Or to help her hold a sparkler and watch it as it died away.
Death. I can't handle that word anymore. Life has taken on a whole new meaning for me and people just expect me to be the same as I was before. I have never been a people-person. I have always been content to stay at home with Amy and be a homemaker and just take care of her. But now people want me to visit, have lunch with them, invitations for both my husband and I to visit. Sometimes it is so hard for me to understand. They never invited us AND Amy before, so why now? I know her wheelchair made it difficult, but we could have worked that out. I know people want to share their sympathy and do something for us, but it is difficult for me to go out without Amy. I didn't even go to church yesterday, because I couldn't face another time of going into the church without Amy. She was by my side in everything I did. She was a part of me. I said before that it was like an amputation. Well, I haven't learned to walk yet and there is no prosthesis for me.
Except God.
He is my prosthesis and He will help me learn to walk again. I just need to let Him help me and He is telling me to take my time, to gain strength first and then We will walk together.
He gave me a sign on the 4th. Even though I didn't understand it at the time, I thought it was beautiful, but I was still sad.
He gave me the rainbow.
I know it is a symbol of His promises.
And God keeps His promises.
He will give me joy again.
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| My oldest daughter took this picture of the rainbow at our picnic on the 4th. |
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