Monday mornings are my day for laundry and paperwork. Two of the tasks I dislike the most so I get them done the first of the week. Owning a small family business and being the one in charge of the finances I consistently tried to do the bookwork every single week. It was something Daddy taught me throughout the years, but I believe he did his bookwork on Sunday afternoons because being a farmer he didn't have any other time to sit in his office. Farming is a little different now but my memories are from 30- 40 years ago.
I haven't been as faithful the last few years since my daughter-in-law took over the business paperwork for me. This past Monday I sat at my desk in my office and glanced at the calendar. Every week I would faithfully change the little wooden calendar that Daddy made and Mama painted. (The top of my desk rarely gets dusted, it is filled with little things that are precious to me, and the grandchildren know they are not allowed in my office unless they ask and I am with them.)
I looked at it again and the date jumped out at me. April 12. The day Emily and I left on our three week adventure together. In some ways I feel like my life just sort of stopped at that point. I've been busy, but my mind just hasn't been all in. I've been in undiagnosed pain since January, I even started using a cane to get around. Sometimes I couldn't even think straight and would get so discouraged. I felt like I had aged 20 years! But with pain killers and chiropractic care I was managing. During that time a new grandbaby was born. She is now 5 months old and such a beautiful and sweet tempered child. My oldest had a birthday and my 3rd grandchild turned 6. We celebrated Amy's Homegoing Day, Easter and a week later Emily and I packed up and started driving west. The purpose of our trip was to visit with those who are special to Emily, to share about her plans and for her to say a “goodbye” for at least the next 4 years. She leaves for Southeast Asia in September.
We made stops in Illinois, Iowa, South Dakota and Missouri. Emily was so kind to me as she would help me out of the car, grab my cane, and even support me if the ground was slippery. We mostly stayed with friends of Emily, our first stop with a college friend in Chicago. In Iowa we stayed with my 81 year old aunt, just a mile away from the farm I grew up on. The young family who now own and work the farm invited us inside and it touched my heart to see the place I grew up in and called “home” for 57 years being so loved and cared for. We visited my parents, sister and grandparents graves and planted flowers. It was hard to say goodbye to my aunt. She is a wonderful woman, devoted to the Lord and prayer.
On to South Dakota where we stayed with friends of mine I have known since we were both teens. They have a beautiful ranch and we saw so many baby calves, ate good food, and talked about life. We also were able to see a few of their children and grandchildren. We drove farther west and met up with a college friend of Emily's and played tourist for a few days in the Black Hills and Badlands. Next to another of Emily's friends who also live on a ranch and we actually were able to see a calf being born, feed the horses and 100's of cows.
Our last stop was in Kansas City with another of Emily's friends, but I have known her and her family since she was 3! We were also able to visit much of the extended family who lives nearby.
We had such good times at each of the places we stayed at. As we traveled my pain started to decrease and now with dieting and exercise I am finally starting to feel like myself again.
I have been meaning to write about our trip and share pictures since we got home, but 2 whole months have passed and the words just wouldn't come. While we were away I got a message that my 21 year old niece was missing. A few days later her body was found. She was the baby cousin of my family, coming 11 years after my youngest child. She has two older siblings. I was there when she was born, helping to take care of the older children. Her mom, my sister, was here 8 years ago helping me when Amy died. Now she is going through the grief of losing a child also. My heart aches for her. We don't live close so I can't be there to help her. I pray for her comfort and for healing.
Time doesn't stop. It has a way of continuing, if we want it to or not.
Emily leaves in 2 months. As I said, I have been busy, taking care of the grandkids, gardening, the usual. But all with the thought of Emily's leaving. God took Amy to live with Him and gave me eight wonderful years with my youngest daughter for comfort and companionship. She is my best friend, but it is time for her to live her own life, the life that God has planned for her.
Most of the time I'm ok. But I do have my moments! A few weeks ago, as she was singing beside me in church, I wondered how I would be able to bare her not being here. Then today, we started the service with “Victory in Jesus” and also sang “Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone”, two of the songs that were 'Amy's songs', sung at her funeral. There were people sitting between us and I was holding the new baby, but if our eyes would have met, she would have understood my gaze.
That's what I'm going to miss. The connection to the grief, the growing, the leaning on the Lord, and the sharing what we have learned in His word.
Pastor Daryl shared the story of Helen Lemmel this morning. She was blind, her husband couldn't deal with her blindness and left her, and she lost her job. Yet she wrote this song:
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.”
The things of earth will grow strangely dim....that's what I want.
I'm tired of thinking of death and living in the past.
I want to look to the future.
I want to keep my eyes on Jesus.
I planned to share pictures of cows, calves, horses, prairie dogs, big horn sheep and bison. Scenery of the places we saw. But what matters to my heart is the people. The people that God has put into my life and Emily's life to pray for her on this wonderful journey ahead that she is about to embark on.
I turned my calendar to July 4.
