Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Cinderella, Tessa and Marissa Amy

Marissa Amy was born 2 years and 2 days after her Aunt Amy went to live in heaven. 

We gathered one week ago today at the cemetery to release balloons and remember Amy. It was dreary, cloudy and misting a little. Even with the heavy clouds the balloons still went up to the heavens. We watched until we could see them no more.  Tessa was already having some contractions but she was there at the cemetery to honor her sister.  Her labor was long and progressed slowly. On Friday after 42 hours of labor little Marissa Amy was born. 

I have, of course, had my thoughts on Tessa quite a lot this past month. We had her baby shower the end of February and she told me later that she wanted to honor Amy and tell everyone that she had always felt like a mother but the tears were already spilling over and she didn't want to make it worse for me or her. I, too, have always felt like Tessa was a second mother to Amy, but something happened last month that made me think a lot more about what it must have been like to grow up with Amy as her big sister. 
My daughters, a friend and I had a special outing to the new movie "Cinderella". It was a movie we wanted to see as soon as we saw an advertisement for it and saw that Cinderella had a glass butterfly on each of her glass slippers. We wanted to go together to remember Amy. She would have loved the movie. But that night I tried not to think of that. I just was enjoying the story and not wanting to cry. As Cinderella was being transformed into the beautiful princess by her fairy godmother, Tessa started crying and whispered to me, "I wonder if that is how Amy felt going to heaven." It did bring tears to my eyes that she was so moved by the scene, but I didn't feel the same and was confused by her feelings. We talked about it later and she said that she thought Amy would have felt beautiful just like Cinderella did.  I am beginning to realize that I haven't thought enough as to how Amy affected Tessa as they were growing up. As Amy's  mom I always thought she was beautiful. She was my baby and I took care of her and loved her. As she grew up I became her voice before the school board, the board president, and two different school superintendents and principals through the years. I was mom, and did what any mom would do. I put Tessa in this category also as she was her "second" mom. She was only two years older than Amy but took care of her just as good as I did once she was old enough to do so. I never gave much thought to how she felt having a special needs sister. Amy was a part of our family and we included her in everything we did and made adjustments so she could be included. I always tried to dress her nicely, keep the drool wiped up and keep her smelling nice.  I have realized that I don't notice other people when we are in public and I don't make eye contact because over the years I didn't want to see if people were staring at us or not.  My two youngest volunteered in Amy's classroom for a couple of years once a week, playing with the other special needs kids. Amy was just their  big sister even though she couldn't do things they could do. Emily is almost 5 years younger and James 7 years younger than Amy.
But Tessa was always there. From the beginning of her life Amy always had a big sister.  Does Tessa remember as a 4 year old when Amy started screaming and screaming and nothing could be done to comfort her? Does she remember all the doctor visits to find out what was wrong with her little sister? Does she remember being told that Amy was going to die because that is what the doctors told us? Does she remember when we finally found out that she had Rett Syndrome and the doctor said we were not given a death sentence but a life sentence of care for Amy? What are her memories from her earliest years with Amy?
Tessa tends to hold her feelings in and I am just realizing the pain that she must have felt knowing that her sister couldn't do the things that she could do. Putting herself in Amy's place,  I guess she might have felt left out and not very pretty. She might even have felt like the "cinder" of Cinderella. Never getting to play like a normal sister, not getting to dress up and go to "the ball" to meet the prince. 
I remember when Tessa went to college and she had to tell Amy goodbye. Amy blinked and blinked, trying to tell her sister that she loved her. I think now, that it must have been just as hard on Tessa to tell her sister goodbye as it was on Amy. Tessa was going on an exciting adventure, to live away from home and learn new things and meet new people. Amy had to stay at home, not just as a little sister, but forever. I was okay with that, but was Tessa? 
As time passed, Tessa moved back home, moved to an apartment and then met her husband. Her life moved on, Amy's stayed the same. But Amy's life was enriched by the people Tessa met and the constant love of Tessa and her presence in her life. She took Amy so many places and made her life full. Amy's last few years were spent surrounded by all the people who loved her the most.

Now Tessa has her own little girl. Who knows what the future holds for this wee little one. She has already had to stay in the hospital for a week due to a fever at birth while Tessa was released after 2 days. But Tessa said Amy's hospital stay has prepared her for this. It is only one more full day and she will get to bring home her precious daughter on Friday. One thing I do know. Marissa Amy is already loved more than any little girl could possibly be  loved.
 
Marissa one day old with Mom and Dad
Two days old.


I also know that God holds the future.
I am reminded of an old song by the Gaithers,

"Because He Lives"

God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

And then one day, I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

Friday, April 3, 2015

Finally March is over and April is here!

March has seemed forever long to me this year.
Our weekend away for Amy's birthday brought back many memories of our oldest daughter's days living in Lancaster, going to college and then another year on her own. So many trips back and forth to see her singing and other special events, shopping and seeing the sights of the city. One place we had never visited was the reproduction of the Biblical tabernacle. We went there on the morning of Amy's birthday. It was very informative and we enjoyed the presentation and also the movie in the information center about the Amish and their faith. I have been doing a study on the tabernacle and I have thought of that morning often over the last few weeks. We had a late lunch and after ordering I used the restroom and there was my niece from England! 
That was definitely a blessing from the Lord as they were finished eating and on their way out the door when her daughter had to use the washroom.  They sat and visited with us while we ate and then we shared a few more precious minutes before they had to be on their way. This was the same niece that visited us for two weeks in January and so it was so good to see them once again.

 On the way home we were also able to visit with another niece and finally get to meet her youngest baby.





We wandered through the country, enjoyed the snow and the Amish farms. We happened upon this farm with the snow people and a snow cave.





A day after we came back home Bill had his shoulder operated on again. All went well and he had intense physical therapy and is still going to therapy three times a week even though the spring work has now started. He is still in a good bit of pain, but manages to put up with it. 

I was on the edge of tears most of the month. Just waiting. Waiting for spring and warm weather, waiting for the month of Amy's birth and the memories of her hospitalization of two years ago to be over, waiting for the birth of a granddaughter. WAITING.  It is not an easy thing to do or something I do well. 

One Sunday we were all in church together. The first hymn we sang that morning was "Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee." This was the first song we sang at Amy's funeral. She loved Beethoven and really liked this hymn. I think this is the first time we sang it since she died. Emily and I looked at each other and the tears started.Then we sang a new song, "Sovereign Over Us."  (New to me, anyway.)

There is strength within the sorrow
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting
You're sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding
You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined
Who could understand Your ways
Reigning high above the Heavens
Reaching down in endless grace
You're the lifter of the lowly
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me
And Your promises are my delight

Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
I was holding baby Will and I could see Tessa's very pregnant tummy on the other side of Bill. I had so much to be thankful for, but I was feeling such loss. Most of that service I spent in tears.

The following Sunday we had a guest speaker. The title of his sermon was "For the Glory of God." He talked about our inevitable encounter with loss, that everything is about our change of heart, and everything is for God's glory. He read the passage about Lazarus, Mary and Martha, "This sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it." John 11:4  
He said we can put whatever is going on in our life in the blank.   This _______________ is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it.   God spoke to me through this message and I realized that my life is not about Amy's death, but about the glory of God. And then in verses 14 and 15,  "So Jesus then said to them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let us go to him.” I realized that God could have healed Amy but He chose not to. He chose to take her to heaven with Him, for His glory.  Do I really, really believe this? Does self-pity rule my heart or does God? 
What God impressed upon my heart the most was that I need to visit Amy's grave with celebration not with sorrow. I need to celebrate the day of her "going to heaven to live with Him" not as a horrible thing but one of great glory!  I have found it difficult to visit the cemetery since my niece and family were here. I used to go there a lot and talk to Amy and cry. Almost always I would go in sorrow.  But then I started to feel like there was no reason to go anymore. It just seemed so meaningless. She's not really there. But listening to the preacher talk about Mary and Martha and how everything that happens to us is for the glory of God, I realized that there is reason to visit her grave still and that reason is for rejoicing! Rejoicing that she is no longer living in this world full of sickness and pain, but living in a beautiful palace with the King.

My sister posted a photo on Facebook and my niece, Jenna,  used the idea and took one of the pictures from Amy's funeral and shared this:
Thank you sweet Jenna, for this photo. I needed this reminder. I still need it and I always need to remember it was for God's glory that He took Amy home.
We will be celebrating the second anniversary of Amy's home-going on Wednesday. As last year, we will meet at the cemetery and each release a balloon in Amy's memory. Last year  we had an extra balloon for the child Laura was carrying. This year we will add another balloon for Tessa and Brad's little girl. Only God knows if she will still be in the womb or in her mother's arms.