I'll praise You

Yesterday started off good. I went to physical therapy. If it wasn't for therapy I would become a hermit but it is my one priority right now so I go whether I feel like it or not. My last post said that I just don't have much interest in anything.  Well yesterday after therapy I told myself to go find what I needed or I would end up killing my back. So I decided to check out a huge resale store in our area. I was looking for one specific thing, which was a small desk to put my computer on. After wandering around the store and avoiding looking at anything that would remind me of Amy, I found a small table for $20.00. Perfect, just needs a coat of paint.
So I headed home. I had K Love on and this Casting Crowns song "I'll Praise You in This Storm" came on. I used to love this song so I knew most of the words. That was when the biggest storms in my life were my knee pain, or the my weight, not having any grandchildren to love on yet, or just being too busy to enjoy life. You know what I mean. Oh what storms I thought I had!

So I'm singing along with this song, completely feeling like praising God, when I come to the line....

And as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands
And praise 
the God who gives 
and takes away

And.   Takes.   Away

I just started crying so hard, I could barely drive. 
I can't praise God yet for taking away Amy.

As the song continued  I lifted my eyes to our mountains and asked God where He was. I went to the cemetery and just laid down in front of Amy's grave and sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't seem to calm myself down and I didn't want to leave. I thought I would just stay there even though it was misting rain and I knew more was to come, I didn't care. 
God sent me an angel in the form of my oldest daughter. She had been at my house weeding  (bless her!) and decided to stop by the cemetery on her way home. She was able to comfort me and give me some of the strength I needed. I went home and spent a quiet afternoon, reading my Bible and doing some Kakuro puzzles.

This song has new meaning for me now. I will praise God for the life of my dear Amy. I cannot yet praise Him for her death. I'm not there yet. My heart is not just torn, it is shredded. 
I have the faith that I will be able to praise Him someday.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on if I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
by Casting Crowns