A New Name

I've been called by many different names in my 61 years of life. Most people know me as Cheryl. My nickname growing up was Cheri and Mama still calls me that. I've been called daughter, student, wife, and then Mom. First, mom to 3 daughters, then finally a son, mother of a special-needs daughter, home schooling mom, mother-in-law, and then the title no mother ever wants.... this title isn't really given a name, mother who has lost a child, grieving mom, empty arms, a hole in my heart. 

Five years ago today, I got a new name. GRANDMA. Five years that have passed so incredibly fast! He will be starting homeschool kindergarten this fall and he is a loving, tender-hearted child. 

He was named after his Grandpa, we call him Will. I didn't know how to be a grandma. I was scared, so scared that something would happen to him. I was still grieving Amy so very much and didn't really even know it. Before Will learned to say Grandma he got a cousin. 

My oldest daughter had a baby 6 months after Will was born. A little girl named for her Aunt in heaven, Marissa Amy. We call her Mari. I started babysitting her when she was 3 months old. I was not ready to take care of an infant, but God knew I needed her. She will never remember (thankfully) the times, too many to count, that I held her and cried and cried. My heart was still longing to hold Amy, but God gave me two precious little ones to fill my arms at that time. 
And as time passed two more little boys joined our family. The youngest just started calling me Grandma!

I was brushing Mari's hair a few months ago and got out one of Amy's hair barrets to use. It had a tangle of hair in it and I realized that it was Amy's hair and that it was the exact color of Mari's. I knew their hair was similar but it was shocking that it was exactly the same. One of my regrets was that I never cut off a piece of Amy's hair and kept it in a locket. God has given me a little head full of that same hair!
Amy lost the ability to say words. Mari never stops talking. 
Amy used to be very active when she was little but as the years passed she ended up in a wheelchair and depended on us for every need. Mari never stops moving and has always been quite independent! 
I wonder what Amy would have been like if she hadn't had Rett Syndrome. Would she have been like her little namesake? Mari started dance last year to help with some of that extra energy. Even though I had been sick for almost a month I was able to go to her recital.

In July Mari started preschool. I thought my heart would break! I had been teaching her since she was little and she knows all the preschool stuff. But she is a people person and I am not. She needed the interaction with the other children, to learn to share, wait in line, to not talk constantly and not be bossy. She is a typical first born!

While Bill and I were on vacation last week, I got a text telling me that Mari had broken her arm, bad enough that it needed surgery! I handled my own children's injuries better than I was coping with this! I might have even shed more tears than Mari did!

I have a favorite picture of Mari that doesn't even show her face. It shows her excitement, her boundless energy, her joy! We realeased balloons April 8th, the 6th year anniversary of Amy's death, 2 days before Mari turned 4. 

So.... I like this new name I have now. I love being GRANDMA. Even though the grandchildren can not fill that hole for missing Amy, my heart is getting bigger and it is making the hole seem not as large as it used to be. 

Just look at this sweet face! 

Happy Birthday Will!  

My big 5 year old! 

The first to call me GRANDMA!

I have another name too. It is Daughter of the King. Because of Jesus, I will see my Amy again and she will be dancing and singing. We all will be dancing and singing and praising God together!