This has been a hard week. I think when I am in physical pain that the emotional pain is harder to keep under control. I have cried a lot.
I couldn't bring myself to go to church Sunday. Sometimes it is just too hard to be around other people. I know that it is not that way with most people. I have said in the past I have never been a people-person; I've always been content to stay at home with Amy. I also know that some people would say, "Just make yourself go and you'll feel better." Well, that is not me. It is hard for me to always be fake if I'm not feeling well, and I hate crying in front of others outside my family.
We had a girls night and my daughters (my daughter-in-law is considered one of my daughters) went to the theater to see a movie. We had a good time. Hurrying to get there, ordering the refreshments, fighting over who would pay, and then seeing previews! I enjoy the previews sometimes as much as I enjoy seeing the movie. Then the movie started and the tears soon after that. Although none of my daughters cried, it must be where I'm at in my life right now. We went to see "The Butler."
Spoiler: If you plan on seeing the movie--skip to the next paragraph! It is based on a true story about an African American man who witnesses his father's murder as a boy, goes on to become a butler in the White House under the administrations from Eisenhower through Reagan. In the years between he has two sons and the oldest joins the freedom movement and the other goes to Vietnam. The youngest gets killed in the war and the butler turns his back on his oldest as he joins Malcom X in his quest for freedom and justice. His son eventually turns around, goes to college, becomes a politician and then works to free South Africa. His father finally reconciles with him and in the end after his wife dies he lives to see the election of an African American to the White House. I cried through most of the movie. I don't think I'm up to seeing reality movies for awhile.
As our kids were away on labor day, my husband and I went to Lowes and bought some supplies for our bedroom remodel. As in the past we enjoyed ourselves but on the way home I started crying again. I finally realized why I enjoy getting away so much, but the coming home is hard. It is because Amy is not here and I feel I have no purpose without her. Again, I hear voices telling me to find a purpose! Just do something! But I'm not ready to get involved in anything yet. I just don't want to commit to something and then not be able to continue. I'm trying to get the house done and that is what keeps me busy right now. After our bedroom is done, I'm going to fix up our old room upstairs with Amy's stuff and that can be used as a guest room. Right now, all of her stuff is still in our dining room and I know I need to do that job soon. I enjoy decorating, but it still is hard. Memories of Amy always haunt me. I hope some day I can say they bring me joy. When I am done with the house I will see what God directs me to do. Pray for a purpose for me, for my life. I know He has one for me.
Today, after therapy, I went to Wal-Mart and told myself I was not going to stop at the cemetery on the way home, because it would just bring more tears. All the garden stuff was on sale and I saw this beautiful solar lighted angel and I knew I had to get it for her grave. So I stopped at the cemetery. There is still no headstone yet and just all the dirt with a few flowers we planted. I hope it is in place before winter sets in. It will just be a comfort to me to know that it is finished. I wanted to have her buried here on the farm, but my husband didn't. I know that was the right choice now, because Amy's teacher told me that she stopped by and even stopped by with one of the "kids" from her school. I never thought about that before. I was so much into my own pain that I never stopped to think about other people wanting to visit her grave also.
I still haven't stopped by her school yet. I want to at least by Christmas and take in some treats. It will be hard. But I know I need to do it.
There was one wonderful thing that happened this week that brings me joy. We got a kitten! We named her Little-Bit because she is so tiny. I don't have a very good picture yet. She is an outside kitty and she finally is getting used to our dog and three other old cats. She has also finally stopped crying for her siblings and mother. Poor little thing! I love to cuddle her.
She kept falling asleep and her paws would slip off the bench or her head would bob! I got a picture through the screen so I wouldn't wake her up. Isn't she adorable? Amy would have loved her and her nice soft fur!