I have really enjoyed my daily study in the book of John. Anytime that death is talked about, it is like I am reading it for the first time! I loved the story of Lazarus. I wonder if Jesus' tears were for having to bring Lazarus back into this world and take him away from heaven rather than because He was so sad that he died. The Bible says that the people saw Jesus' tears and said, "Look how much He loved him!" I am reassured every time I read His words of His love for me and for Amy.
Yesterday I read a portion that was one that Amy also enjoyed so much.
1 John 14:1-3
“Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also."
I talked about heaven a lot with Amy. We would dream together about what it would be like to be there and she would be able to talk to me and we would sing praises together. We would run and ride horses together and climb mountains. Now I guess I can't say "would" but need to say I will...... but Amy is........... now doing those very things. I am waiting for that day that we CAN do those things together.
I stopped by the cemetery one day and they were installing her memorial stone. My youngest daughter and I went back that afternoon and I just fell to ground and sobbed. I have been waiting for the stone, but it seemed so final, so horrible and awful. I caressed the butterfly and Amy's name. It is the worst thing ever to see your child's name engraved on a tombstone. I used to enjoy wandering around cemeteries. I don't know if I could ever do that anymore.
We just wanted a simple stone. What Amy would have wanted. I'm going to take her butterfly and angel lights back tomorrow and plant some crocus and daffodil bulbs that will come up in the spring.
I started fall cleaning this week and stored away all my garden items that I keep handy in the house during the spring and summer. It brought such sadness to me. I never took the time to set up the humming bird feeder and even stopped feeding the songbirds halfway through the summer. I just didn't care at the time and now it is gone. It seemed that we didn't even have spring and summer this year. Time has a way of swiftly moving on, but yet standing still when someone in your life is missing.
But I guess that is my whole problem. Amy is not missing. She is more found than I am right now. I still feel so lost without her.
I am doing my best to hold on and receive comfort from the Word.
Today's reading had these words:
John 15: 9-11
"Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full."
I so look forward to that day when my joy will be made full!