Sunday, September 15, 2013

Because She Lived!

I have been crazy busy this past week with therapy, a doctor's visit, getting apples at the orchard, shopping with my daughter and going to a Beth Moore conference! My knee is doing much better, but I sure can tell when I abuse it. I had already spent about an hour and a half on my feet at Hobby Lobby before my appointment and the doctor told me that I was doing good to do that much. Well, we proceeded to shop for a couple more hours after that! Why not?

Somehow I found the time to finally finish the bathroom. It was the bathroom that Amy and I had shared together so I had all my stuff and Amy's stuff in various drawers and cupboards. My husband's stuff has set in boxes on the floor or crowded on the counter for the last 4 weeks! It was time to get it done! I had already sorted through Amy's stuff so I didn't think it would be an emotional event for me, I had just kept putting it off because I knew we had too much stuff for the space I had to store it. I also brought down the medicines from the cabinet upstairs in the bathroom as I wanted everything down in this bathroom.
In the process of sorting through things, I discovered some of Amy's toiletries that had been put in under the sink when her room was prepared to be turned into a sort of hospital room when she came home. I knew it was there, but I guess I had ignored it the best I could. I was able to reorganize that without tears. Then I was sorting through the medicines and came across some of the items that at the time of her death, I had decided to keep as they could still be used. Tiny bottles of peroxide, liquid Tylenol, gaze bandages, etc. I couldn't bear to be remembered of our time in the hospital and her few days here at home when she had to still use some of those things, so I just put them in a box to give away. I just wanted what I knew was hers out of my sight. I still managed to not cry but just cringed thinking of why we had to use that stuff. (I will share Amy's last month eventually, I just can't face it yet.) 
Being the OCD person that I am at times, I decided I needed to cover the shelves and drawers with the liner paper that I had already purchased about a year ago that was just sitting in the corner of the closet. I even contemplated painting the inside of the cupboard, but realized that I was using that idea to procrastinate more so than to beautify! So I continued on to the last which was the travel bags that still had toiletries in them and needed to be cleaned out. I had forgotten that Amy had a small one of her own. Inside was a comb, lip gloss, a few hair ties, deodorant, and a small bottle of perfume. I could no longer hold it together, but completely lost it. Knowing we would never take any more trips together tore me apart. I rubbed the lip gloss on my lips and smelled the perfume and even cherished a few strands of hair that was caught up in the hair bands. I still feel at times that my heart is being ripped out of my chest and that I just can't go on without her. My sweet darling Amy, I miss you so very very much.

That evening some dear friends of ours called to let us know they will be visiting in a few weeks. I was so happy and blessed that I bawled my head off again. I met my friend when I was 17 and she 16 and we worked for the summer at Mount Rushmore National Park. We were in each others weddings, have kept in touch, and visited as often as we can as we live 6 states apart! Her children are close to the same ages as mine, but she proceeded to have seven more children after I did!  I can't wait to see her and her husband in about three weeks.
Another friend, I have mentioned a few times in this blog-the one with the red haired baby boy, had a new little boy this week. What a blessing to have a new healthy life enter this world. I can't wait to see him and give him a little squeeze.
Another blessing this week was to attend an all day conference with my daughter and two friends. Even though we sang two of Amy's songs, "Victory in Jesus" and "Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone" and I cried so much I was afraid I would be sick, I was still able to listen and learn what God was trying to teach me about legalism. I will share that in another blog post.

Before I continued my Bible study one morning I asked God to show me something special that would comfort my heart. I am in the book of John now and I am enjoying it very much. This is what spoke to me that morning:

John 9:1-3
As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.  And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?”  Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

That the works of God might be displayed. Yes, this was true about my Amy. That the works of God might be displayed in her. And even though she is gone, I can still see God's work in my life and the lives of others who knew her, because she lived! 

The next chapter is also a favorite of mine. The story of the Good Shepherd. Verses 27-30 of chapter 10 are very dear to me now.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;  and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.  I and the Father are one."

Someday I will see Amy again and I will see her with Jesus. I can't wait for that day! 

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