Thursday, August 29, 2013

My redemptive epic

"The package you’re called to unpack everyday is who you really are —
your real calling.
So unwrap your real story — because if you deny your story, you deny not only yourself…  but you deny the very Author Who is writing your redemptive epic."  Ann Voskamp

I stayed angry at God for a day and then my heart began to soften. I studied more scripture, thought about people in worse conditions than myself. It wasn't like the Dr. told me I'd never walk or what if I was going blind? I think there are a lot worse things than just succumbing to the fact that my body is wearing out. It is what happens to everyone when they age.  I started therapy this week and they feel with strengthening my muscles that I should be able to do the things I would like to do in life. They also feel that if I am having a lot of knee pain, then a knee replacement would be recommended, even if the Dr.s say I'm too young. Doctors are to care about our quality of life. Right? Or is it that the insurance doesn't cover it on a younger person? I don't know, but I don't really care right now. I'm working on healing and getting my life back as much as I can without Amy. 

My husband and I are now downstairs sleeping in Amy's room and I am enjoying it. I like to redecorate and figure out how I can use old things to look good in a different setting. Since we put our bed in a different place than Amy's was we decided to mount her tv on the wall. My husband and son worked for a few hours until they got the right mount and to get the tv up. Then we couldn't remember where any of the wires went since we didn't take notice of where they were when we unplugged them!  After getting out the manuals and trying for an hour or so, we gave up and called the tv man to come out the next time he was in our area. He came a few days later and had to push two buttons. We had it all hooked up right, just didn't know what we were doing!

I had painted Amy's two dressers before my surgery, but was waiting to get matching drawer pulls. Since I was really unable to shop I got them online at Lowes. The one dresser needed 5 inch and the other 3 3/4 inch handles. The 5 in. was great! Screwed them right in, but the other came with some screws I'd never seen before. You actually cut them to fit. So after searching in his "stash" for screws that might work, my poor husband had to take them out to his "shop" and cut the 8 screws so they would work. I think he will be so happy when I am done with this room project!

I was humbled by the comments people made to my last blog. A friend from the next state over posted this on facebook:
"It’s a hard world. Even the best of Christians are feeling the weight of weariness. Little wonder we are to “Encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13)."
I see courage and grace in you (3 names), (and then my name) and many of my other friends battling the hardness of life today - You inspire me and I love you dearly for being part of my life!!!
And then she posted this link:
I was humbled even more. 

My sister said:
"My precious sister, how my heart aches for you and wants to make everything the way it was before. Even in the midst of anger you still cling to Him. I applaud your honesty and am once again humbled by your bravery and your never wavering faith."
And if she was humbled I'm even more humbled yet. 

I guess it was o.k. to be "real" and let you all know that I was angry. My sister said that even in the midst of anger I cling to Him. What else can I do? He is my life. He is in the place in my heart now where He should have been before Amy was taken from me.  

Today in my Bible reading in Luke 23, verses 33-37 jumped out at me.
" When they came to the place called The Scull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. But Jesus was saying, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing."  They cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. And the people stood by, looking on. And even the rulers were sneering at Him, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if this is the Christ of God, His Chosen One.”  The soldiers also mocked Him, coming up to Him, offering Him sour wine,  and saying, “If You are the King of the Jews, save Yourself!”

I have grown up in the church and I know the stories, I know Jesus said this, but it was different now.  I was thinking, as they were driving nails into His hands and feet He thought this. Not only thought this, but as they were mocking and sneering at Him, gambling over his clothes He actually voiced it! Said it out loud! Why? And then He told me, not in a voice, but in my heart, I knew. Because He loved them. Even as they were killing Him, He loved them. 

So how could I possibly ever be angry at Someone Who loves so deeply. Who loves ME so much?

As Ann says: He is writing my story. My redemptive epic. How can I tell the Author I don't like the way the story is going when I don't even know the end? 


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