Pain

Emotional pain and physical pain.  Physical pain was the only pain I knew for most of my young life. Then Amy was born and I grieved for the child that wasn't "normal." Emotional pain hurts. But it is easy to hide from others with the pasted on smiles and off-hand comments. As time passed we grew to love our Amy just the way God had made her and the pain subsided. 

Then with the passing of many birthdays, physical pain attacks the body. Mine started around age 45 with sciatica nerve pain and for the last 10 years has been one thing or another. I began to think that physical pain was so much worse than emotional. I have peripheral neuropathy and there isn't a "pill" or a treatment that helps, although I have tried a large amount of herbs, drugs, topical lotions, and whatever the next new "thing" was. I also have arthritis in my knees and spine. Before Amy went to the hospital I was in a great deal of pain with my right knee and was taking some physical therapy for it. The therapy was interupted for about 2 months when Amy was sick and after she left us here on this earth. Then I started again in ernest and was hoping to avoid surgery and really worked at getting my strength up. But God has other plans for me. I will be having surgery two weeks from today. The pain has increased and I'm hoping these two weeks will pass quickly as I look forward to the pain being gone. I'm back to using a cane to help me get up and down and steady myself when I am walking. But through this all I have realized that physical pain is so much easier to bear than emothional pain. 

I have had a few dreams about Amy in the last week, and dreams are strange things. In one dream Amy was still alive and I was so upset because we had given all her diapers away and I didn't know what I was going to do. (We ordered special diapers because Amy was so small.)   We had moved Amy's bed a few weeks ago and there was a unused diaper that had gotten caught in the drawers underneath it. I just put it on the dresser and there it sat not knowing what I was going to do with it. Well a few days after the dream  I saw the diaper and remembered my dream and just broke into sobs. It was silly but it hurt so much! If only I had her back, I would willlingly take all the constant care and devotion she needed from us over the emotional pain of not having her with us. In another dream it was life as normal with Amy and then I woke up and realized it was JUST a dream. She wasn't with us anymore.

My kids have been great through all this. My daughter-in -law has been my chauffer for two doctor visits and today my youngest daughter is taking off work to take me to the surgical center for pre-surgical testing. I was disapointed that I couldn't get the surgery sooner, but then I realized that this will give us time to get Amy's room painted and to move our bed downstairs. Everything happens in God's perfect timing. I need to trust Him more.

When we took our van back we signed an agreement that they would keep it for six months and try to sell it for us. We agreed upon a price, but the salesman was not too pleased with it. He wanted us to ask a few thousand less for it. We used Amy's life insurance money to buy our car and we were hoping to replace it with the sale of the van. Many years ago when we got life insurance for Amy, I only wanted to get a small amount. Just enough to cover funeral expenses. But the premiums were the same for a larger amount and so the agent talked us into getting the larger amount. This was helpful in purchasing a vehicle, but we don't want to use Amy's money for ourselves, so that is why we asked a good bit for our van. On Wednesday it sold! Only six days after taking it back to the dealer! We now have the wonderful task of deciding who we want to give Amy's money to! I have contacted a few charities and we have a few of our missionaries in mind also. We are praying that God will direct us to the right ones who need it at this time. 
We left our email and Amy's Story with the van salesman in case the new owners want to get in touch with us. I hope they do. I want to be able to share Amy's life with them and let them know what a blessing the van was to us. The emotional pain of letting go of the van will turn into blessings for others.

God works even through pain. Especially through pain. I need to remember this in the next few weeks as I go through more physical pain and I'm sure emotional too as I continue to experience the roller coaster of grief.

Here is a picture from happier times.

My three youngest at their cousin's wedding.

Oh, how Amy loved parties!