Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Angry at God

I'm angry.

I'm beginning to feel like Job. 

God didn't allow all my family to die, but He allowed the most precious member of our family. Amy was the glue that held us together. 

He hasn't taken all of our animals, but He allowed Amy's dear pony and our sweet little dog to die.

Now it seems He wants my health. 

Today I went to have my stitches removed and the follow-up after surgery. The Dr. showed us pictures of the inside of my knee. The meniscus was pretty torn up but I'm healing well and need some physical therapy, which I knew I would need and welcome it. I like the people who work there and after the exercises I enjoy the 20 minutes of elec stim where I just get to lay there and read for awhile. I'm sure the meniscus was pretty bad because I just ignored the pain when Amy was in the hospital and after and during my therapy for 2 months. But the other pictures and news were not so good.

What I found out today is that my arthritis is pretty bad in that knee. The Dr. doesn't want me to kneel, squat down, or bend my leg more than 60 degrees. Ever, even with therapy. I don't have any cartilage between the knee cap and the bone. No running, no jumping, no climbing.
This more than anything hit me like a brick. I have been more mad at God today than any time over Amy's death. I feel like He is trying to take everything that is important to me and my life means nothing anymore.

No kneeling in prayer, no kneeing at Amy's grave, or lying prostrate--how would I ever get back up! No running with future grandchildren in play. I asked the Dr. if I would ever be able to go hiking again and he said with time, but laughingly said I couldn't climb over rocks and boulders. That should have been ok, but my desire is to hike the mountains with my husband again, not a smooth path around a lake. Now that we have the freedom to do that with Amy not being here to worry about and arrange care for, He has taken the reality of that dream away also. 

My husband says to not be so depressed; my daughter says to defy the doctors and prove them wrong. I can't stop crying in fatigue, depression, and anger. 

I know some of it is the narcotics I have been on to help with the pain. But I'm not going to take them any more. I started to feel dizzy the last couple of days and I kept taking them anyway to help me sleep. I know now I need to stop.  I know they are affecting my attitude, so I need to just control the pain and sleeping with the over the counter stuff.

This isn't the usual type of blog I write. I thought about waiting until my mood improved, but this is who I am, right now. our house next?

If you know the story of Job, you know what I mean. If not read the first couple of chapters and then the last couple of chapters.  Better yet, read the whole book.  

I'll tell you what I have written on the last page of Job. This was a foot note in one of the Bibles we had once. A Scofield I think.I copied it down because it answered any questions I had about Amy.
Maybe I should apply it to more than just questions about Amy.

"Beyond the revealed purposes of God, there still remains much mystery. And for this there is no answer, except the attitude of worship in which we humbly acknowledge that a Sovereign God cannot be required by men to give all the reasons for what He chooses to do." 

And then I have written Romans 11:33-36  

" Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!  For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor?  Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory  forever. Amen."

I still don't understand, but I do know my anger will pass. I know God still loves me at this moment in my anger and despair, and is holding me even closer. I just can't feel it right now....
That is why I live by faith and not by feelings.

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