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| Amy's closet door with the artist. |
So I was cleaning out stuff that tends to accumulate in a closet and I came upon more clothes, all Amy's shoes, and her jammies I had put in a bag. Special blankets, some given or made by friends and family.
More tears. More sobbing, hysterical crying. More why Lord, why?
So I just piled them on the bed to go through when my girls could help me, because I couldn't face it then. About an hour or so later, I was composed but still probably look a mess, our retired pastor and his wife stopped by. It was such a comfort to hear his encouraging words, to take time to heal. Hugs were given, prayers said, and more tears, but tears of hope and comfort now.
Thank you God for sending Pastor to me just when I needed him.
That evening my husband and I went to put some flowers on Amy's grave. He cut off a nice branch of a rhododendron that had a lot of blooms on it. We knew it wouldn't last, but at least it wasn't plastic. My oldest daughter went on Monday and took a picture for us.
Sunday we decided to finally go to Sunday School. We have a separate class for men and women and so I didn't have my husband's hand to hang on to and no Amy to push in front of me and to sit in the back of the class with. I was so scared. I love my class of ladies. They truly are sisters in Christ to me. They gave me a basket full of all kinds of things when Amy was in the hospital. A tea cup and tea, puzzle book, candy, a soft blanket, international coffee, tea towels, DVD's, note pads and pens, worship CD, books, candles, a figurine, key chain, and gift cards for gas and food. I have never thanked them yet. So much had happened and it was just too hard to express my thanks to these dear friends of mine that morning. There was a seat up front next to a young friend of mine who had helped me weed my garden earlier that week and it was a blessing to be able to sit beside her. I don't know why I felt fear, but I did. I'm glad I went. They showed a video by a Women of the Faith speaker and it was funny. It felt good to laugh. It also felt good to hear others prayer requests and to hear about a ladies tea that is planned for June. I had many hugs that morning and just a few tears. It was a good day. I even got a nap in the afternoon.
We planned a little indoor picnic for Monday and grilled hot dogs and hamburgers. I was inspired to make homemade baked beans. I have never made them before and I haven't done much cooking of late at all, but I decided to make baked beans. It took a lot of time, but they turned out pretty good. My girls were there for the meal and it was somber. We enjoyed the food, talked about life, and how different things are now. It is the way it is. Part of our family, a very big, important part, will never be with us again. It is hard to deal with and family gatherings will always be hard because there will be a hole where Amy should be.
After the meal my dear husband took me to see Star Trek. I have been a Trekkie all my life and it was something he did for me. I know he would never see it on his own! It was really good, but always reminders of Amy. In Star Trek? Yes. Just as in Iron Man, the bad guy sold his soul to help his daughter, so in Star Trek, one of the characters turned bad to help his dying daughter. We did enjoy the movie and Red Lobster afterwards. We had some quiet conversation and good food. The trip home took about 45 minutes. I let my mind wander and again the tears came. I asked my husband why he never cries and he told me that he buries it deep inside. I am so thankful for my husband who held my hand all the way home and let me cry.
It is still hard to find the good in the sorrow. But I am trying and God is giving me strength.
He has given me a wonderful family and a great church family also.
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