Two months ago today, Amy entered heaven. I want to curl up in a ball and ignore life. But I have done that too much during the last two months.
Wednesday night as I was reading before bed, such sadness enveloped me and I couldn't stop crying. My husband held me until I cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 5am totally wide awake. I laid there thinking I should get up and like I have done for the past two months, I planned my day. It included the same things I have had on my mental list for weeks. Clean off the dining room table. Go through Amy's things and pack them up. Clean the house!!! I have always been a planner, a list writer, an organized (or strive to be organized) person. When you home school 3 kids and also have a special needs child, you have to have some sort of organization or life falls apart! But for the last 2 months I have done not much more than I absolutely have to. My dishes sometimes sit for days, my floors for weeks, and I haven't had much desire to cook, let alone clean anything. I have kept up the laundry, just because my husband needs clean clothes, but that doesn't mean I've been consistent about putting it away!
I have become my youngest daughter. God gave her the ability to not notice dust and clutter or care about the condition of her living quarters. She has always wanted to be a missionary and now that she has 5 years of college in, she is working to pay off her school loans and waiting on the Lord to guide her to the place and people He wants her to serve. I do believe she will live in a grass hut somewhere with a mud floor! Right now she is living with us and helping us cope with life. I love her dearly and she is just what I need now.
Anyway, back to Thursday morning. I decided to get up even though it was still dark out and I knew I wouldn't be able to make it through the day without more sleep. I decided to attack out dining room table. For 2 months it has had piles of Amy's cards, empty vases, a bowl of dried flower petals, phone books, an address book, white-out, a stack of thank you notes, pens, Amy's funeral book, pictures of the flowers people sent to us, and lists, and lists and lists.
And the journal we kept when Amy was in the hospital.
Three weeks after Amy died my daughters and I spent a few days around the table and we wrote out about 75-100 thank you notes. Since then I have not wanted to even look at the table. This past Thursday morning God told me it was time. I was able to sort through everything, put most of it away, finish a handful of thank yous that I hadn't completed and all that is there now is the funeral book and the journal. It felt like a burden was lifted!
In my Bible reading that day I read in Matthew 20 where Jesus tells the parable of the man who owned a vineyard and hired people to work for him throughout the day. At the end of the day, he pays them all the same. If they had worked for 1 hour or all 12. I never really understood this. This is what verse 15 says: "Is it not lawful for me to do what I wish with what is my own? Or is your eye envious because I am generous?" This is what the landowner told the workers who were grumbling about not being paid more.
I suddenly realized--
God is God and He can do what He wants to do.
Amy was God's child. She wasn't mine. If He wanted to take her to live with Him, why should I complain? She is gloriously happy there! She would not want to come back to this earth and even though I miss her terribly, my eyes are on the future and I know I will see her in a perfect body! I can't wait for that day!
So today I spent some time with the Lord and my husband. Cleaned up my kitchen and started in Amy's room. I sorted through all her hair "stuff."
I was able to do it without tears.