Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Everything brings sadness

I thought once we got home from the holidays, I would start back up blogging about Amy's last month again and all would be well and I would be able to get on with my life.  Oh what a fool I am sometimes!

Three weeks have passed and I just haven't had the desire to share anything of my life or of Amy's story.  

As I said in the last blog, this is not my home, not my forever home, and maybe that is why it was hard to adjust to life once again after the holidays.

My oldest daughter, Tessa, had wonderful news when we arrived home. She had gotten engaged New Years Eve and is planning on being married here in our back yard on Feb. 15th. I am happy for her, but deep down I still grieve. I even burst out crying when she was telling me her plans. Amy should be here! She was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding! She should be here now, to experience all the fun of a wedding and to see the ecstatic happiness of her sister. She should be here! But she is not............

I haven't had ambition to do much of anything. I do what has to be done and little else. My husband started some quick remodeling projects that need to be done before the wedding and I can't even get very excited about that. 

Tessa, Emily and I went dress shopping for the wedding dress and the bridesmaid dress. I had no desire to try to find a mother of the bride dress. We all cried when she found the right one. Not because of the usual reasons, but because of Amy......

Emily is wearing a butterfly on her dress in memory of Amy and they are both wearing her fingerprint necklaces.

I don't know what I am wearing. I'm shopping tomorrow and I just pray the Lord leads me to something special and that it won't take too long. Even having just said that, I feel guilty. This should be a joyful time. 
Today I went out to get the mail and was consumed with such sadness that I had to let it out in tears. Everyday for years I would shout hello to Coco (Amy's pony, that died a week before she did) when I got the mail.  I missed him intensely today and just couldn't shake it. 

It seems that everything I do brings sadness to me. I still read my Bible, I'm in Corinthians now. I still go to Sunday School and Church, but don't feel the joy that I did before. I'm not sure why, but I do know that God is still with me, holding me, supporting me, loving me. I try to see joy in little things. The birds outside and my silly 7 month old kitten/cat. 

Even now the tears are running down face as I type this, but I still praise God for what He is doing in my life, although I don't know where He is leading my or why He has led me this way. I just know according to Corinthians that  
"He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

Am I boasting? I think not. I am just telling you how my life is right  now without Amy.

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