I haven't felt like writing for quite a while.
Almost two weeks ago, my husband and I took a Sunday off and spent some time alone. We ended up doing some work at our mountain cabin we built on our land about 17 years ago. I was dreading seeing the inside as sometime over the summer, porcupines had chewed their way inside and set up camp for awhile. I felt there had been enough destruction in our life lately and I didn't want to see more. Well, it was bad, but we worked on it, cleaned up what we could, and we know with a little more hard work we'll be able to fix it up again. We spent time talking about the future, how our perspectives of life have changed. Our children grew up so fast and now..... one is no longer here.
I have been feeling like just getting through with life, wanting to be in heaven with Amy and just going through the motions until God calls me home. Something happened that afternoon, though. It was like I finally realized that I could live for another 30 years or more! What was I going to do with the rest of my life? Where was God leading me next? I was just a little bit excited to think about the future. I felt more encouraged that day, even though there were tears, than I had for quite some time.
So I have had more good days then bad days.
But I can't live in a bubble of my own home. I have to get out once in awhile to shop and this time of year is very hard. I see Amy in everything I look at. The Christmas stuff is almost depressing. I have no desire to decorate and I'm not doing very well on my shopping.
We are having the family over for Thanksgiving,though. I will make a big turkey and the girls will help out by bringing some side dishes. We are using the dining room table. It will be hard....but I am determined to do it....and we will get through with God's grace. I'm sure there will be lots of tears, but my family is getting used to me crying all the time!
Two days ago I finished using the last of Amy's perfume. She had mostly body sprays. I would use them on her very liberally and she would smell so good. Everyday for her month long stay in the hospital she was lotioned up and perfumed. The hospital let us use our own. Now all her perfumes are gone. I threw the last bottle in the trash and another piece of my heart went also.
How many pieces of my heart can I lose until I have nothing left?
This week I saw an ambulance parked at McDonalds. Just sitting there, no siren, no flashing lights, no emergency. As I waited in the drive through lane it all came rushing back. That first ride in the ambulance eight months ago. I decided I wasn't hungry and went to the cemetery and cried.
I need to tell those who don't know us about Amy's last month. I need to read the journal my daughter and I kept of our hospital stay and share what happened the last month of Amy's life. I feel a need to do this, but it will hurt. I have tried to block it out for so long now and maybe if I confront it, I can get over it.
On Tuesday, February 26, 2013, Amy came home from her day school and seemed tired. That wasn't unusual, she was tired a lot after school and I would always lay her down and let her nap if she wanted. She would listen to a story and most of the time fall asleep. That night she had a low fever before bed and I decided to keep her home from school the next day. I still wasn't too concerned. Wednesday she slept quite a lot, but ate well and I was debating if I should take her to the doctor or not. She still had a low grade fever Wednesday night but slept well. Thursday morning her fever was up and she was having trouble breathing. That was very unusual for Amy. She had pneumonia just once before and that was about almost a year to the day when she got sick this time. Last year we took her to the ER and they ran some tests and we took her home to recover. No hospital stay. No complications.
Amy has always been healthy. If she would get sick, usually she wouldn't eat much and she would sleep a lot and get over it. Nothing in Amy's whole life or my life had prepared me for what was to come.........