Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee

The year 2019 will soon be over and I almost made it through this holiday season without tears.  Almost!

So a few updates on the last couople of months first. 
Life has been so crazy busy! In September we had a wonderful two week vacation in Nevada, Arizona and Utah, visiting the Grand Canyon and all of the Utah National Parks and a few of the National Monuments and Historic Trails, too. We rented an RV and this year we had a Class B 20 ft. Van. It was perfect for just the two of us. It was great and many memories were made.

In October Emily and I drove up to Maine to visit my mom and family who live with her up there. It was really good to see them. Mama is 89 years young! 

We celebrated Bill's, Brad's, and Will's birthdays in October.

Bill turned 69.

Brad turned 38.

Will turned 5, and he blew out his candles so fast that no one got a picture!

Since then, the time has just flown by. We are trying to do some remodeling in this old farmhouse (built in 1912). It's never an easy thing as we completely remodeled it when we were first married and very young. As the years passed we needed more space and so we added on and let others do most of the work. Now we are trying to repair what 42 years has done to some of the upstairs bedrooms. We want to make a kids playroom and a decent guest room. We are trying to do it ourselves and we are a lot older now! We took a break before Thanksgiving, for hunting season,  Christmas tree sales, and holiday preparations. Come the first of the year we will start back up again and we'll see what we can accomplish this winter. The grandkids are only getting older and noisier and need a space of their own away from the living room. Actually you all know that it is Grandpa and Grandma who need the quiet and extra space, not the children!

Emily had a birthday and so did the youngest Samuel who is now 2. 

We took the boys on the Santa train and out to eat for Emily's birthday.

The train coming in viewed from above. The boys heard it before they saw it!

This advent season has been difficult. The first week of HOPE,  I started getting sick. A head cold that went to my chest and lingers still. The second week of PEACE,  I felt frustration more than anything. I was behind with decorating and making presents. The third week of JOY I was struggling to find it. I was spending time with the Lord in prayer and study of His word every day but I just wanted to feel His ecstatic bubbly joy. 
Then I read a newsletter by a favorite author, Jane Kirkpatrick. I had forgotten that in her last news she had mentioned that her husband had cancer (he is the same age as Mama) and they were temporarily moving to a different state to be closer to where he was getting his treatments. So here is an excerpt...

"We are blessed... I look at what we brought with us. Art mostly, special works that bring our life from the ranch,  ...quilts to hang and cover us,  a painting of the Columbia River hills with "Wait. Trust. Surrender" written below the scene. That's now hanging in a place where I can see it every day. Words of wisdom... 

This season we invite you to do the same. Wait for the moments when the light of Jesus comes into your day. Trust that God is with you. Surrender to the unknown, to uncertainty and hold close the promise that God is love and love heals either in this life or the next."

website: jkbooks.com 

"Wait for the moments when the light of Jesus comes into your day." I felt these words were written just for me! I realized that I had moments of joy, I just needed to realize that sometimes moments are better than constant joy. Giggles when a baby's tummy is tickled and the silly things that preschoolers say, cards from friends and kittens sitting on top of the nativity by our door. I started to see the joy around me in what God was providing for me. The fourth and final week of Advent is LOVE. God was pouring out His love for me and I was seeing it clearly. 
Bill and I, each of our kids and spouses and children went to church on Christmas Sunday. Even our "adopted" daughter, Sarah, was home from college. I held the hands of the oldest grands during singing, we all gathered for a photo under the tree, but a part of me still felt like we're not complete. Because a part of me is not here. Amy was always there beside me, I was always holding her hand. 

How can my hands be full of these special ones, but yet feel empty? Like someone is missing?

We celebrated Christmas with the family on Monday and we had a wonderful time. With 4 children under 5 it was a lively time full of laughs and a few melt downs! My table was full of food and people and so was my heart.

Tessa is taking the picture.

But there was still moments that I felt that Amy should be here. I should see her smiling face. She loved Christmas so much!  I am happy but I'm beginning to realize that I will always feel like someone is missing. But I did not shed any tears and I'm starting to believe that maybe time does heal.

Then I read this story to Will and Micah before they went home. I had gotten it out with the stack of Christmas books but had yet to read it this year and I don't remember reading it last year either to the kids.

 

Inside was this message to James when he was 8 years old from my parents. The tears came, pretty ugly tears for 2 little ones to see. Life is so fleeting! Daddy's gone and Mama will join him sometime soon. My little 8 year old boy is now 30 with boys of his own. Where have the years gone? "Everlasting to everlasting." Oh I praise God for the heritage I have been given here on earth and through Jesus Christ for life eternal....everlasting.

Then God showed His love for me in yet another amazing way that brought tears.

Our Christmas Eve service was very special to me as Emily was singing in the choir. Our first song was an ensemble of drums. Wow! After years of being in a church that frowned on drums this was fantastic! Of course I knew that the music to sing with the drums would be "The Little Drummer Boy." Wrong.  Emily glanced at me and once again those tears started because who would have thought you could put Beethoven's 9th and Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee with those drums. 

Amy loved listening to Beethoven and this was the first song that was sung at her funeral. 

God has given me so very much to be thankful for. I think I will always have times of sadness until I go to my eternal home. But I know He loves me and I know I will have many times of great JOY also. 

This is a link to the beginning of the song from church.

https://www.facebook.com/mgbconline/videos/587441605408525/?t=1

A Belated Merry Christmas to all and A Blessed New Year!

A New Name

I've been called by many different names in my 61 years of life. Most people know me as Cheryl. My nickname growing up was Cheri and Mama still calls me that. I've been called daughter, student, wife, and then Mom. First, mom to 3 daughters, then finally a son, mother of a special-needs daughter, home schooling mom, mother-in-law, and then the title no mother ever wants.... this title isn't really given a name, mother who has lost a child, grieving mom, empty arms, a hole in my heart. 

Five years ago today, I got a new name. GRANDMA. Five years that have passed so incredibly fast! He will be starting homeschool kindergarten this fall and he is a loving, tender-hearted child. 

He was named after his Grandpa, we call him Will. I didn't know how to be a grandma. I was scared, so scared that something would happen to him. I was still grieving Amy so very much and didn't really even know it. Before Will learned to say Grandma he got a cousin. 

My oldest daughter had a baby 6 months after Will was born. A little girl named for her Aunt in heaven, Marissa Amy. We call her Mari. I started babysitting her when she was 3 months old. I was not ready to take care of an infant, but God knew I needed her. She will never remember (thankfully) the times, too many to count, that I held her and cried and cried. My heart was still longing to hold Amy, but God gave me two precious little ones to fill my arms at that time. 
And as time passed two more little boys joined our family. The youngest just started calling me Grandma!

I was brushing Mari's hair a few months ago and got out one of Amy's hair barrets to use. It had a tangle of hair in it and I realized that it was Amy's hair and that it was the exact color of Mari's. I knew their hair was similar but it was shocking that it was exactly the same. One of my regrets was that I never cut off a piece of Amy's hair and kept it in a locket. God has given me a little head full of that same hair!
Amy lost the ability to say words. Mari never stops talking. 
Amy used to be very active when she was little but as the years passed she ended up in a wheelchair and depended on us for every need. Mari never stops moving and has always been quite independent! 
I wonder what Amy would have been like if she hadn't had Rett Syndrome. Would she have been like her little namesake? Mari started dance last year to help with some of that extra energy. Even though I had been sick for almost a month I was able to go to her recital.

In July Mari started preschool. I thought my heart would break! I had been teaching her since she was little and she knows all the preschool stuff. But she is a people person and I am not. She needed the interaction with the other children, to learn to share, wait in line, to not talk constantly and not be bossy. She is a typical first born!

While Bill and I were on vacation last week, I got a text telling me that Mari had broken her arm, bad enough that it needed surgery! I handled my own children's injuries better than I was coping with this! I might have even shed more tears than Mari did!

I have a favorite picture of Mari that doesn't even show her face. It shows her excitement, her boundless energy, her joy! We realeased balloons April 8th, the 6th year anniversary of Amy's death, 2 days before Mari turned 4. 

So.... I like this new name I have now. I love being GRANDMA. Even though the grandchildren can not fill that hole for missing Amy, my heart is getting bigger and it is making the hole seem not as large as it used to be. 

Just look at this sweet face! 

Happy Birthday Will!  

My big 5 year old! 

The first to call me GRANDMA!

I have another name too. It is Daughter of the King. Because of Jesus, I will see my Amy again and she will be dancing and singing. We all will be dancing and singing and praising God together! 

For My Mama

My Mama 

"For I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day." 2 Timothy 1:12

This was the opening verse for today's reading in a devotion book, written in 1942, that I have been going through. I've been thinking on it today so I looked it up and realized that those words are only the last half of the verse. So why do I have it memorized in exactly those words in the old King James Version? And why do I say believed in three syllables instead of two?

Because I had a mama (and daddy) who took my sisters and I to Sunday school and church. From the time I was very young I heard this old hymn sung in the Baptist Church in  a little town in Iowa.

I'm the littlest sister in the picture and another sister would join the family about 6 years later.

I couldn't remember the last time I sang this song, so I looked up the words today.

I know not why God’s wondrous grace

To me He hath made known,

Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love

Redeemed me for His own.

I know not how this saving faith

To me He did impart,

Nor how believing in His Word

Wrought peace within my heart.

I know not how the Spirit moves,

Convincing men of sin,

Revealing Jesus through the Word,

Creating faith in Him.

I know not what of good or ill

May be reserved for me,

Of weary ways or golden days,

Before His face I see.

I know not when my Lord may come,

At night or noonday fair,

Nor if I walk the vale with Him,

Or meet Him in the air.

Refrain:

But “I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed

Unto Him against that day.”

By Daniel W. Whittle 1883

Of course the refrain was sung after every verse so that is why I have it memorized. It was much easier to google it so I could post it here but then I did look it up in our hymnal. The number was circled so I imagine the last time I sang this song was when I would sing Amy a hymn every night before bed. It brought tears to my eyes.

Then I read this article:

My Mother's Tears

Wow! More tears.

I'm sure my Mama must have shed many tears for me. I was always an independent and a little rebellious child. I had my first summer job living away from home at 15 and the next two summers after that also. Then I was married at 18 and left the farm for a new life over 1000 miles away. I didn't think much about Mama's feelings until I became a mother myself.

How life changes. Tears, yes. I think I cried at every birthday of Amy's until I learned to accept her as God's gift to us just the way she was and that she would never be independent of me. And I've cried buckets since He decided to take her Home to Him.

I shed tears for my adult children and now my grandchildren. But I also pray for them as I'm sure my mama did for her girls and still does. Mama went through the pain of losing a daughter, too.

Now she has lived for three and a half years without her husband of 61 years!

 Mama and Daddy Around 1953 

I'm not sure I would have the strength for that. The fourth verse of the hymn says:

I know not what of good or ill
May be reserved for me,
Of weary ways or golden days,

Before His face I see.

I hope I can be as faithful and loving as my Mama has been throughout the years. Because we both.....

"know Who we believe, and are convinced that He is able to guard what we have entrusted to Him until He takes us Home."
I love you, Mama.
Happy Mothers Day!

Mama and me, two years ago.

Facebook Memories

If you are familiar with Facebook you will know that they have an "On this day" or "Memories" post to tell you what you posted on Facebook on that specific day for as long as you have had a Facebook account.

Many of my memories bring joy, such as seeing my daughters wedding pictures and pictures of grandkids but some bring sorrow and pain. Some of those that cause grief are of loved ones who are no longer with me or events in my life that has changed, or friendships that have grown distant. I have been aware for the last 5 years now that come the end of February Amy's illness, hospitalizations, and death will be there for me to see. I know that this feature can be "turned off" for a set amount of time or perhaps permanently but I clung to them even though they caused me such pain. But each year it gets a little easier to read and accept what has happened in my life.

Today I received this along with my other memories of the day:

February 15, 2013 9:01PM

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body." 2 Corinthians 4: 7-10

That was all. No comment. Nothing. Just a shared verse.

So I was wondering as to what prompted me to post this verse 6 years ago.

My first recollection of those verses grabbing ahold of my heart will take some explanation. In January 2001 my oldest daughter was in college and she was taking a trip to Israel for college credit. I was able to go along on the trip with the 30 -40 students, 3 professors and a few other adults. I had recently just started studying the Bible, not just a devotion, but actually studying it. One of the professors I really enjoyed talking to as he was so knowledgeable about the Bible. I shared about my life with him and about Amy as we were walking down the hill on the Mount of Beatitudes toward the Sea of Galilee. He shared about his wife. She was very sick battling cancer at that time. Yet he went half way around the world to teach his knowledge of the Holy Land with his college students. He was the kind of man who radiated God's love. When we got back to the college and as we were gathering up our stuff the professor's wife came and they just held each others eyes for the longest time with no words before they embraced.  You know, some memories are engraved in our minds forever and that is one of them.

Soon after that he started a blog. It really wasn't a blog because there was no Facebook or blogging back then, but it was an online diary that he was sharing with others about his wife's illness and how the Lord was working in their lives. When the time came when his wife passed away, the verses he posted were 2 Corinthians 4:7-10. I was so shocked! How could he not feel crushed, or in despair, or forsaken, or even destroyed? He had such a strong faith. I really admired that and wanted the same. The rest of the verse says how.. "always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."

So I kept on studying the Bible, I kept on trying to live my life for the Lord, taking care of my family and especially my precious Amy. I never forgot those verses and when Amy died I asked the Pastor to use those in her service and two days after she passed away I posted those same verses on Facebook and also added, "Thanks to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

So why did I post those verses on Facebook eleven days before Amy was ill and taken to the hospital? I will never know what was on my mind then, but this morning it blessed my heart because I know that God was preparing me six years ago for what I was to face in the weeks ahead. Through the wisdom and faith of a friend eighteen years ago and through the strength of God's words I was able to praise Him through the storm that was to come.

Psalm 139

I got an email from Google saying that they were removing the comments from my bogger account. I didn't know if it was true or not so I decided I needed to back up all my posts so I would have a copy of them just in case. It was something I should have been doing all along, but just didn't take the time to do it. Usually when I finish a blog post, I am pretty drained and don't want to spend any more time on the computer. So yesterday afternoon and evening I copy and paste, copy and paste, all of my posts and pictures. So many tears! Although I didn't take the time to reread them all, I did read some of them. I enjoyed seeing the pictures and it didn't hurt as much as it used to, but the memories still flood back of the last 37 years! 
This led me to my daughter's blog as I had shared hers a few times. That's when the tears really came. Reminding me of the pain she has gone through also. All of my children have grieved the loss of their sister. My son and oldest daughter each have a spouse to share their pain (and joys) with. Emily is still single, still lives at home with us. Even though she was away for five years at college she has been home for six years now. 
Bill and I moved into Amy's bedroom downstairs, soon after she passed away. Emily had the whole upstairs to herself consisting of three bedrooms, a library room and a bathroom for most of the last six years.  In my last post I shared that a young girl was moving in with us.  Even though there is 10 years difference in their ages she has been such a blessing to us. Lately I have heard singing and laughter upstairs again. I have realized how Emily has missed having a sister to share her life with. Even though Amy was older than Emily, in so many ways she was her little sister. 
I took the time to read all of Emily's blog posts since Amy died. Her next to last post was April in 2016 and this is a portion of what she wrote:

A acquaintance posted a link yesterday that touched me more than she will ever know. It was on Psalm 139. Such precious words and promises! I read it to Amy and the family the last Sunday we spent together when we sang and worshipped in her bedroom with flowers and balloons and sunshine all around. The video showed just a part of the Psalm, but was so beautiful because of the precious people who quoted it! Here is the link to watch it… 

Psalm 139

It made me miss her so much more. Fearfully and wonderfully made, The body that made her so unique is no more. Words have come to her lips and strength to her legs. Yet her eyes still sparkle and her infectious giggle is probably bringing smiles to all! She was beautiful and she will continue to be until we see her face to face!

I watched the video and cried so hard, but yet was rejoicing in my heart because God gave us Amy  and so I have love for each of those sweet ones in the video. Because God gave us Amy and took her back to Himself each of my children have love for special needs people also. 

A few weeks ago I started a Bible study on Job. I haven't read Job since Amy died, but God knew I needed it now. I am ready to hear the horrible "comforting" of his so-called friends and see through some of his pain and understand it better now that I have had some distance from my own. I wanted to share just a few thoughts from the first chapter of the study book and video. "God didn't remove His hand of protection from Job, He said, "Here he is." What happened to Job wasn't punitive but a promotion! God wasn't punishing Job but giving him a promotion. It was a position of honor. He knew Job! He knew he wouldn't curse Him no matter what! He knows us too. He knows what's in our hearts. 

Job 1:20-22

 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.  He said,

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.

Did you catch that Job worshiped? 

Another thing that was brought out that really blessed me was the authors interpretation of Job's wife. She is never named but is constantly given a bad rap because of one question and one exclamation. The only thing she says in the book.

Job 2:9-10

Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!” But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?”

"To be fair, Mrs. Job had more than enough reasons to rail against God. Those seven sons and three daughters were her children too. Her grief was surely at least as deep as Job's. Her mother's heart had been shattered into a million , jagged pieces, which had sheared off her joy and every bit of faith she had in the goodness of God.....At that point Mrs. Job just lost it.....Job simply said she was being foolish. And who knows but what he pulled her into his bleeding arms when he said it, because he of all people knew the raw grief that incited her rage. Then he articulated the most brilliant sound theological position one could ever assume in the midst of suffering: "Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?"  Taken from pages 25, 26 of "JOB, A Story of Unlikely Joy", by Lisa Harper

Please take the time to watch the video.
 Psalm 139
Amy would have been the girl in the wheelchair who couldn't speak. She also wouldn't have been able to hold the sign but it would have been pinned to her shirt or someone would have held it for her. But I'm sure in her heart she would have been singing the words!
Here is the complete Psalm 139. It is so awesome if you have the time to read and study the whole thing. 

Psalm 139 1-24

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.

O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

MERCY

All of my family at church the Sunday before Christmas.

My first Christmas in six years without tears! Oh there were plenty of tears the weeks before Christmas and even after, but on the day we celebrated Christmas with our kids and grandkids I had no tears. I felt no sadness, only joy to be surrounded by my three children and four grandchildren. Amy was missed, but lovingly remembered.

Decorating was hard, too many memories of happier times with all my loved ones present. Forty years of Christmases spent in this house or on the farm in Iowa as a family. Some of our ornaments and decorations are that old! So many many memories!

We had a very busy schedule, so I was tired more, also contributing to tears. We have had so many overnight guests in the last two months. This is very unusual for me. I'm not one that is "given to hospitality." I always thought that I never filled the role of a "deacons wife" because of this, but Bill was a deacon for many years. Maybe that is just another of those ideas I have been taught over the years without seeing and understanding the whole picture. God made me the way I am, some are "given to hospitality" and some have other ways of sharing Gods love. For years I have felt like I don't measure up, but as I study Gods' Word more and more I discover that there is a freedom and joy that comes from serving the Lord. Serving in the midst of pain and grief, serving through tears, and exhaustion. I can serve God as I rock my grandchildren to sleep, run the vacuum, send cards to others and yes even the "traditional" way of having others over.

God has been preparing my heart for a special way to serve Him over the last few months. In September a young girl (20) asked me to start mentoring her. I don't care for that term, so I just prefer to think of it as a friendship that is spanning a few decades of age! We meet once a week and talk about what God has showed us in His Word and pray for each other. A little over a week ago she texted me to ask for prayer for wisdom because she was in need of a place to stay. Last Sunday God was very clear to me during our church service. "You have a room, ask her to stay." But no Lord, that is Amy's room now. All her things are in there. I can't. "Yes, you can. It's time. Pack up Amy's things. Ask her to live with you."

And so I did. I asked with tears, she accepted with tears.

Yesterday I boxed up all of Amy's stuff. All her things I have kept over 31 years of time, from the tiny t-shirt and booties she wore as a baby to the obituary notice in the paper and the cards we received after she passed away. I thought I would make myself sick because I cried so hard. But as He always does, when we obey, God gave me strength to do it.

Today Emily helped me move the furniture around and in two days I will have a new "daughter" living here. I can say this with joy and peace in my heart and no tears.

Each year I choose a word for the year.

My word for this new year is "mercy". God has shown me so much mercy over the years. He has, in His mercy, showed me how to walk this path of grief, this path of life as I get older, this path of mom to adult children and this path of grandma. He has mercifully led us over the past year to our new church home and new friends we call family.

This morning we sang, "Multiplied", a fairly new song to me.

"Your love is like radiant diamonds
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name

God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied"

There was that word mercy. I'm sure the first of many times it will jump out to me as my word, grace, did for me last year.

Oh dear Lord, may my Hallelujahs be multiplied.

I've been thinking I should change the name of this blog. For the last year or so it has not seemed like it is Amy's Story anymore, but mine. Then I heard someone speak about the verse Philippians 1:6 “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Amy's story didn't end when she died. It continues until Christ comes back. It continues through my life, and her siblings, even through the niece and nephews who are learning of her and on down through the generations.

About a week before Christmas I was helping my grandsons make crafts for presents. I told them that I had made this craft with Aunt Amy. Little Will, who is 4, said, “Mommy has told me about Aunt Amy. She lives in heaven with Jesus. Did her Mommy and Daddy go to heaven with her when she died?” Tears were already in my eyes at his words and now started running down my face. “O Will, I am Aunt Amy's Mommy and Grandpa is Aunt Amy's Daddy.” His eyes

got big and he said, “Do you miss her?” More tears, “Yes dear boy, I miss her so very much.” But I was able to smile and said, “She is so happy living with Jesus, it makes me happy, too, even though I miss her.”

A few days later we got a call from this little guy telling us he had given his heart to Jesus.

The angels are rejoicing! The Hallelujahs are being multiplied!