BREATH

We had a wonderful trip to Alaska, but I can't write about that yet. I don't have my thoughts in order or even my pictures all edited. I do want to share what happened today and my thoughts about it.

I had a list of things I wanted to get done today, a list just in my head. But God had other plans for my life today. But God....

Today I held a kitten for a few hours and stroked it's fur and gave it comfort while it struggled to breathe and finally died. 

We got two female kittens in late spring this year. They were born around Amy's birthday in March. We haven't had kittens for a few summers and I thought it was time to have some kittens again.

They were great fun watching them play and grow. Mari looks Siamese (but is not) and Allie is the gray and white one. I naively thought we wouldn't have any more kittens until next spring! 
While we were in Alaska my daughter messaged me and said that Marie was pregnant! She had her kittens on Sept 21 just a few days after we got home. She had 5, but one was dead. So we have had 4 little kittens for the last 5 weeks to love on and take care of. They all live outside and call my little garden shed home, as I had fixed up the basket that Mari and Allie slept in when they were first here, hoping Mari would have them in there and she did! She has been a good mommy cat. 

Bill feeds them first thing in the morning and I usually take them extra treats a little later, coaxing the kittens to try to start to eat solids. This morning was busy so it was after lunch until I finally got out. Only three kittens ran to greet me. I gave them their soft food and called but.....nothing. I had made a little tent over a small table that their basket is under, so I couldn't see in right away. I felt around and found the kitten. He was struggling to breath, convulsed a little like a seizure and couldn't stand or open his eyes. I knew there was no hope. Maybe if I had come out earlier or checked them last night I could have saved it. But we can't undo the past. 

Mari started licking him and I just burst into tears. I decided to bring him in and care for him the best I could.  I cried and sobbed like I haven't for a long time. It's been 5 1/2 years since Amy died and it will soon be the third anniversary of Daddy's death. The grief just all came rushing back. So I guess I just needed a good cry once again. 
I got a little box and put a towel in it and just stroked his fur. He was a gray and white tiger stripe. His fur was beautiful. I had never noticed it so closely before. Every end of the individual hairs were tipped in white. He would take a deep breath and convulse a little and then sleep and breathe so slowly. This continued for a few hours until he was still and I gave him more time to breathe, but I knew he was gone. We hadn't even named any of the kittens yet! We thought we had time.

Yesterday I babysat all the kids for a while and the three oldest went outside to play and run off some energy before naptime. After about half an hour Mari came in to use the toilet and I told her she was staying in now to take a nap. Her three year old reasoning said, "But Grandma, I can still breathe." I said, "What????" and she replied, "I still have breath.  I still have some breath left to play." 
For some reason it cracked me up and then stuck with me. I thought about it again as the poor little un-named kitty was trying to breathe. 
We don't know how much breath we have left. But God does. 
I have had this beautiful song stuck in my head for a few weeks now: 

Great Are You Lord

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only

And all the earth will shout Your praise

Our hearts will cry

These bones will sing

Great are You, Lord.

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs

So we pour out our praise to You only

So I choose to pour out my praise with His breath, if it be in tears or if it be in song or in stroking a dying kitten and listening to God speak to me. 

What Are You Seeking?

Last week in church every song we sang brought tears: "Blessed Assurance", "I Have This Hope", "So  Will I", and "Not for A Moment (After All)".  Tears of grief, tears of tiredness, tears of false expectations, tears of the unknown future.  I had experienced a pretty hard week and I was exhausted. The sermon was from 1 Kings 18 and 19 and I was encouraged by the example of the life of Elijah. After he had seen God do an amazing miracle on Mt Carmel, he still was fearful and depressed. But God allowed Elijah to hear Him speak. God spoke with a gentle whisper, a still small voice.  As the service was ending we sang, "Good, Good Father," and a dear friend came up to say she had to leave early and I walked out with her. My problems paled in comparison to her health situation. God touched my heart that day with His words and His people.
Yesterday morning I was determined not to have any tears but the first song we sang was "How Great Thou Art." It has always been a favorite of mine, but I will forever have a memory etched in my mind from Daddy's funeral. We closed his memorial service with that song and as our family was led out during the last verse. I turned to see if my sister was coming and she had her arms raised in worship to  "And then proclaim, my God how great Thou art!" Such a sweet but poignant memory....and so once again the tears came. I have learned to accept my tears even though society says I should be ashamed or embarrassed and be done crying by now. Jesus tells me different. Jesus holds me when I weep and I rest in Him.

The last few months have gone by so very fast! In June Emily and I took a long weekend to visit my Mama and sister in Maine. 

Three generations, each 28 years apart.

 Sisters with Iowa roots

In July Bill and I went away for just two days and a night to a little town nearby to celebrate my 60th birthday. 

Laurel Summit State Park, the largest ferns Bill has ever seen.

Mr. Rogers and me.

Founded in 1846, Saint Vincent Archabbey is the oldest Benedictine monastery in the 

United States.

Buttermilk Falls--Mr. Rogers' Grandparents owned this property and now it is a 

county park. You can walk over and under the falls. 

Of course we say lots of butterflies. Always a reminder of Amy.

I started an online summer study a few weeks ago. It is from Beth Moore entitled "The Quest." It is really different from her other studies as most of her studies you learn more about the Bible and as you study the answers are right there in the Bible. This one is a personal journey as you reflect on your own life (with examples from Scripture) and journal prayers to God. This is not something that comes naturally to me so it has been a challenge, but yet I have learned much in the last few weeks. She emphasizes questions that God asks, and that others ask of God, and that we need to ask of ourselves. The one that has meant the most to me so far is "What are you seeking?" 
I was to think back over my life and write what I have been seeking. As I began doing this I thought how much easier this would be if I was still 20 or even 40! There is a lot of things my young foolish self sought and now at 60 years I know those things will not ever come to be. Ever since I heard about the Appalachian Trail in my teens I wanted to hike it.  Then as a young mom I realized there was the Continental Divide Trail! I read stories of people hiking even with small children and dreamed.....but somehow along with some of my other dreams just living life takes over and time passes. There is a business to run, bills to pay, children to teach.....and our dreams start to change. Then there is colleges, weddings, grandchildren and.....loss of loved ones.....and our dreams start to change even more. 

Isaiah 46:9-10 says, "Remember the former things long past, For I am God , and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like Me. Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things which have not been done, Saying, "My purpose will be established, And I will accomplish all My good pleasure."

God knows my future, my end.  He knew it before I was even born, before I even had a beginning. So yes my dreams fade and change, but that's OK, because God knows. He loves me and His will is the best. 

Daddy loved to travel. It started with relief work after WW2 to Poland when he was 16, and then to Korea with the Marines in the Korean War. We always took family vacations and he and Mama went a lot of places when we all left home. But he always talked about going to Alaska. He bought books about it, looked at maps and dreamed.....  

I encouraged him to go as the years went by. I wanted him to sell a little of that Iowa land and take his dream trip. He'd always say, "No, that land is for you girls." I remember asking him when he and Mama were here for Amy's funeral about his dream of Alaska. He said they would never travel again. They were too old, too many health problems...but he was content; they'd travelled enough in their life. 

Two and a half years later he completed his last journey. This one into the arms of Jesus. 

That Iowa land was sold and divided between Mama and his "girls."  

Tomorrow Bill and I leave for Alaska. Yes, Alaska!

It has always been a dream of ours, too, but we really never thought it would come to be. 

Thank you, Daddy. We will be remembering you every day.

Thank you Lord Jesus, we trust You with each step of our journey. 

BUT GOD....

Five years ago today I looked upon the face of my dear Amy for the last time. I kissed her forehead and it wasn't warm but it was cold, I laid my head on her chest and it wasn't soft but so very hard and I held her hand and it didn't feel like her hand anymore. The funeral director asked me if we wanted more time, and I hesitated and then said, "No, close the casket."  
The day of her funeral and burial I was so strong. I was depending on God for my strength and He gave it to me. If I knew at that time the deep grief and heartache that would linger so long after... I think I would have just crawled into the casket with her and died too. 
But God...God in His mercy gives us what we need for each day. As the days go by and turn into weeks and the weeks into months and the months into years it is getting easier to live without my sweet girl.

Last Sunday, the 8th, the five year anniversary of Amy's death, we  met at the cemetery and released balloons and prayed like we have each year since she has been gone. 

This year there were eleven balloons, one for each of us. The grandchildren will probably have no memory of this day except from the pictures they will see. 

But they will in the years to come realize that this is something we do each year to remember their Aunt Amy; whom they never knew but was so very dear to their parents and grandparents and Auntie Em. 
We have had such a long winter but the daffodils came up early and I was worried they would be all bloomed and gone before April 8th. Not so. We had so much cold weather and snow that they weren't blooming at all! I felt bad that I wouldn't have my flowers to put on her grave. Emily and I went the week before and put a ring of fake flowers around the base and cleaned out the grass and weeds that were starting to grow. I noticed some bulbs just starting to come up that I had planted in the fall. I couldn't remember what they were. But God... He knew and He allowed them to be blooming on Sunday. As I approached her grave I just burst into tears. They were miniature daffodils and they were in full bloom! Yes, only God could have provided those flowers that He knew my heart wanted this year.

 The kids brought whirly birds, pinwheels, and pinecones to decorate Amy's grave. 

The last months have been full.

In February Bill and Emily went to Andros Island to do some ministry work.

While they were away I worked on a Christmas tree skirt made out of Amy's Christmas scarves.

On Amy's birthday weekend, March 9,  Bill and I took a few days off and drove east. We wanted to visit some state parks, do a little hiking and maybe see some wildlife. 

 We drove through the small campus where Bill attended his first two years of college. 

We discovered Susquehannock State Park, but it was way too cold and windy for any hiking.

We visited Middle Creek Wildlife Management Area and saw a lot of cool birds!

 Thousands of Snow Geese.

 Swans

  And Canada Geese

Then we ended our weekend by visiting one of Pennsylvania's landmarks, the town of Hershey and Chocolate World. The last time we visited Hershey was about 8 years ago and Amy was with us.  

Micah turned two.

Marissa Amy turned three. 

Easter.

And....we had our share of snow.

One of the biggest blessings in my life the last few months is that we have decided to keep attending the church we've been going to since December. God has blessed us there and our whole family worships together once again. The first time I held little Samuel at church I cried tears of joy. This was my one fear, I never thought we would all be able to worship together again, But God...

A few weeks ago we sang a song I had never heard before. The Title is:

So Will I 

God of creation

There at the start

Before the beginning of time

With no point of reference

You spoke to the dark

And fleshed out the wonder of light

And as You speak
A hundred billion galaxies are born
In the vapor of Your breath the planets form
If the stars were made to worship so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve made
Every burning star
A signal fire of grace
If creation sings Your praises so will I

God of Your promise
You don’t speak in vain
No syllable empty or void
For once You have spoken
All nature and science
Follow the sound of Your voice

And as You speak
A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath
Evolving in pursuit of what You said
If it all reveals Your nature so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You say
Every painted sky
A canvas of Your grace
If creation still obeys You so will I

If the stars were made to worship so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high so will I
If the wind goes where You send it so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times

God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die

And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them so will I

Like You would again a hundred billion times
But what measure could amount to Your desire
You’re the One who never leaves the one behind

by Hillsong

It's a beautiful song, but this line:

"If You left the grave behind You so will I......"

burned in my heart and I knew God was telling me that it was OK to feel good again. To rejoice in Amy's life that was and to rejoice in the life the God has now given me. 

I know this is long. I wanted to share a lot of pictures, though, and to be honest, God has not given me the words to write until today when I was rocking Samuel to sleep. 

Thank you for reading my blog. 

For Now We See Through A Glass, Darkly

Since the first of the year Bill and I have been taking a class on grieving at the church we are now attending. We have been reading through the book "Beyond the Broken Heart, A Journey Through Grief" by Julie Yarbrough. It has been a great class and it has helped both of us and also get to know and sympathize with others in the class. The author lost her husband and a few months later her father passed away. As she writes about her father it has brought back so many memories of my own Daddy. I have written about Daddy in other posts so if you have followed my blog you know what a dear man he was to me. He was in fact, my first true love.
Every day he was an example of the love of God to me. From him I learned discipline, dependability, orderliness, commitment, faithfulness and (most important) love. From him I learned that my Heavenly Father loves me with a steadfast unconditional love, because that is the way Daddy always loved me.  I thank God for the extraordinary relationship I had with my earthly father. I will forever cherish the life and memory of the man who I was privileged to call my Daddy.  

I came across this picture tonight, looking for something else. It was taken on the farm about 10 or so years ago. We had gone outside to play in the snow and we threw some snowballs at the window where Daddy was sitting watching us. In the reflection of the glass you can see the bare winter trees, the snow on the ground, and if you know where to look, the post and bird feeders that Daddy made. We are outside in the cold and emptiness but what is so precious to me is what I see inside the glass. Daddy is in the warm, light and life filled home.

  Instantly this Bible verse came into my head, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face." 1 Corinthians 13:12a. I'm sure the verse is talking about something else, but I thought how wonderful it will be to get to heaven and see Daddy again, face to face, without the pain and sorrow, without the limits of age, in the wonderful light and warmth of our Lord.  
I miss him so much. Happy Valentines Day, Daddy, my first true love.