My last post was titled, "I have a song." I think the Lord was preparing my heart for the music of this month.
A few weeks ago I started going through the abundance of music we have collected over the years. I needed the shelf unit that our music was stored on to use in another place in our home. So I decided it was time to sort through all the music as most of it is not mine anyway! Piano music, solo music, accompaniment music, music from my childhood, the kids beginning piano books, and old hymnals. So many old hymnals! I think one of my girls collected them at one time. I was glancing through one of the hymn books and I noticed a lot of the numbers circled. For a few minutes I wondered why and then I realized it was the hymnal I used with Amy every night before bed. We would sing a hymn together before we prayed and told her goodnight. For some reason I had blocked that from my mind. The pain that shot through me on remembering it was almost too much to bear. I could not believe that I forgotten it was a nightly ritual. I also was grieved because it is not a ritual anymore. With Amy's death some of the music in my life faded away.
As I continued to sort through the stacks of books and sheet music I had the desire to play again. I took piano lessons for five years as a child but I hated it! As with a lot of things in life, when I became an adult I regretted the fact that I quit and have tried off and on to practice again. I have lost much of what I learned through lack of practice.
I actually sat down at the piano and plucked out a tune. It felt good to feel music(if you can call it that) come from my fingers again.
Three weeks ago Emily was to sing a special number for morning worship. We had Vacation Bible School that week and she was a teacher and also working her job, so she hadn't had time to pick out a number to practice. I was in the garden Friday evening picking green beans and humming the song "Blessings." I had sung this song in church twice and my greatest hardship at that time was sleepless nights because of the pain from my neuropathy. Wow! If I only knew the pain that was to come from a broken heart of a child's death. As I was humming I felt like God was telling me to sing it on Sunday for Emily. I did my best to argue with myself (or God?) that I wasn't ready yet. I haven't sung a solo since Amy died and I really questioned if I would ever be able to sing by myself again. I was able to find the CD with the background vocals and I practiced it. Emily came home from work and I told her what I was thinking. I practiced it a few times on Saturday while Emily was at work and when she came home she helped me. The next to last stanza of the song says,
"What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy"
I could never make it through "achings of this life" without my voice breaking with pain. I decided that I would never be able to sing this without Emily's help. She sang part of the song for me and some of it we sang together. She sang the next to last stanza above and I was able to sing the last stanza by myself,
"And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"
Although I didn't lift my eyes the whole time I was able to make it though the song without tears. I still don't know if I will ever be able to sing by myself but it is a beginning.
Another special thing happened just this past week. I have been taking care of Marissa quite a lot. About 8 hours a day, 4-5 days a week. I've started talking a lot to her as I used to do with Amy. About anything and everything that is going on at the time or whatever comes to my mind. I've also started singing to her. I have hummed a lot since Amy died but not actually singing out loud while I'm working around the house like I used to. I guess having another little person who is not able to talk yet has made me start to communicate with her like I used to with Amy. I used to sing a lot to Amy. I liked to think that I was singing "with" her, because I knew that she was singing in her mind also. Now Marissa Amy just looks and looks at me and then she'll smile. I know that she will sing "with" Grandma someday.
A few days ago I sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider" for the first time with her and she giggled when I tickled her. I burst into tears. So much joy, but still so much sorrow of missing my sweet Amy.
Our butterfly bush outside our kitchen window has had constant visitors. Here are a few pictures I was able to capture. We have Swallowtails but this was the first Monarch I have seen in a long time.
"Blessings" by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
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