Thursday, July 24, 2014

A birthday and a new birth.

On Sunday, I had my 56th birthday. My second birthday without Amy. The family is finally all free from work to celebrate it tonight. This year I have a son-in-law and a grandson soon to be born in less than two months that will be celebrating with us.  

I can't help but hate that Amy is missing this. 

This morning I went to the hospital to get some blood work done in preparation of seeing my doctor next week. I could just feel the dread coming over me as I walked through the doors on this beautiful cool  morning. There was a gentle breeze, the humidity was low and the sun was shining. A perfect summer morning. So why could I not shake this feeling? I don't like getting stuck. I don't like being in a hospital around other sick people and I don't like the feeling of just being a number. But it is more than just that. This is only the second time I have been to the hospital since Amy died.  I avoided looking at the ER waiting area, right next to the waiting area I was at. That was where we sat and had to make the decision not to use any measures at all to save Amy's life or the hospital would not admit her. It was a horrible time. I still didn't think she was going to die. It's still hard to believe that she did. 
I waited and waited, my stomach growling. I didn't leave as soon as I wanted this morning and so I needed some coffee or at least strong tea, but wasn't allowed anything until after the lab work. I finally got it over with but not without pain. I tense up so much, that I think it hurts so much more. I couldn't get out of there quick enough. I almost started crying on the way to the car and then I remembered, we had some young friends who just had a baby and she was still in the hospital with little Caleb! I would start some new memories. I would go see her. 
I did a 360 and headed back inside up to the second floor. I am real good friends with her mother-in-law, and Laura and James are good friends with the young couple. But I felt I knew her well enough to visit. I hope she was okay with me stopping in.  She asked if I would like to hold him. He is so tiny. She swaddled him and he just snuggled right into the crook of my arm. He is so precious. It was so hard not to cry. 

I am so afraid. I am afraid that something will happen to Laura or to the baby. I don't want any more sorrow in my life. 

In my teen years my mama had this verse taped on our bathroom mirror :   2Timothy 1:7  "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  So I know the fear is not from God, but from the evil one trying to steal my joy. 

In our local department store (aka Wal Mart) I ran into a mother of a special needs adult. She is about 15 years older than I am and I would think her daughter is at least 10 years older than Amy. She is in a home now, because the mom is unable to take care of her needs anymore. She also filled me in on some of the other older mothers whose children are still alive. One has had a heart attack, another passed away, another one is in a bad way with her health. I don't think many of their children are still living with them. She asked me if I was a granny yet and I told her soon. She said that it was a blessing that Amy is in heaven and I don't have to make the decision of where she will live out her years. I nodded my head but inside I was screaming. I know she is right, but I miss my Amy so much. We did not have to make a decision of putting her into a group home or a private home with full-time care. But we did have to make a decision to let her die. Nothing compares to that. Nothing ever will compare to that. 

On my way home, the cemetery drew me to it. It is still such a pretty spot, but I cried and cried. Amy is not here, she is with Jesus.  The next to last verse in the Bible says, "He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming quickly.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus."  Revelation 22:20.
That is how I feel. I can't wait until the Lord returns!

This afternoon I worked up in what I am lovingly calling the Spare Oom. (Spare Room) Emily said it would be cool if it had a wardrobe in it! Narnia fans will know what I am talking about. 
Amy stayed in that room for a few years......but that will be for another posting.  

I need to leave now to celebrate 56 years of my life. I'm so thankful I had Amy for 31 years of it.

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