Saturday, June 7, 2014

My "Bleeding Heart"

It has been exactly one month since my previous post. I could tell you that I have been on an exotic vacation somewhere or that I have been so busy enjoying life that I just haven't had time to post, but those would be lies and the truth is....
I just haven't cared. 

This past month has been one of existing, but not with joy or deep sorrow. Just being. 

The last few days I have felt the need to get my thoughts and memories down, because if I don't soon,  I won't be able to remember what it felt like between the 13th and 14th months of the anniversary of Amy's death.  
Tomorrow it will be 14 months. As my recent blogs has shown, I think I'm coming to the terms of how Amy is right now. She is not in the grave, although I still keep it nice looking and have lights and butterflies on it. I know she is with God and at peace. I am at peace with where she is.
It is my life, my thoughts, my attitudes that I am having trouble with. I just don't seem to have much feeling about anything anymore. 

Last month on the 8th, I got my hair done and spent the day shopping. I used to love to have a day just to shop with no deadlines. This time it was more discouraging than anything. I did buy Steven Curtis Chapman's CD " The Glorious Unfolding"  which made my cry most of the way home as I listened to it. God has given him such a gift with words and knowing that he has lost a child also, makes me feel connected.

On Mothers Day we went to church but I had asked ahead of time if we could be in the nursery with the babies. It was easier for me to cope if I wasn't upstairs with all the smiling faces and the  "Happy Mothers Day" greetings. 

The following Sunday, I sang for the first time with the worship team since Amy left us. We rehearsed the songs earlier and I did fine. Then, when we were singing the last song,  This is the Air I Breathe   and I came to the lyrics, "I'm lost without You," it just slapped me in the face. I had not slept well the night before and I woke up thinking that I was lost without Amy. I don't know what to do without her. I truly feel lost without her. This song is talking about being lost without Jesus but the connection right then, hit me so strong. I was able to finish singing but cried in the pew afterwards. 
But I'm not giving up. I will continue to sing God's praises even if I cry.

I used to be such a caring compassionate person. I have changed. I don't care much what people think about me and I don't care if I lose people who I thought were friends. Those who didn't show much concern when Amy died or spouted Scripture in my face when I just needed a hug have changed my opinion of them. 
I'm being honest here.  It is the grief process I am going through and I know it has changed me.

Bill cut off a pretty weeping pussy willow tree that I have had for quite a few years. It had died over the winter. All my roses that were about 5 feet tall have been almost cut down to the ground. They also froze down over the winter. I could see all of these from Amy's windows and we talked about them often. Now they are gone.

Yesterday as I was weeding I contemplated cutting some of the branches off the perennial that was growing over Amy's garden area. Then it came to me that the perennial is called "Bleeding Heart."  I decided this was perfect and left it whole, keeping watch over her little bed of flowers. 

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