FOUR MONTHS

Four months.

That is how long it has been since I have written my thoughts for this blog. Many, many times I have wanted to write as I felt the Lord teaching me things I should share with others and then despair would set in and I would wait, not wanting to again be sorrowful in my posts. 

I decided that I must write, no matter if the tears fall or not.

Today is Mothers Day. My first without my mother. She left this world and joined Jesus, Daddy, my sister Erin and my precious daughter Amy on March 7. She was 89 years old. 
How my world has changed since then.

Bill and I were able to travel to Iowa to attend the funeral, but by that time the country had partially shut down and it was family only. I'm so thankful we were at least able to gather as a family and say our goodbyes. 

Mama and Amy about 28 years ago.

I think this is my favorite picture of my Mama and my daughter together. I love the joy on their faces. Mama would have been 61 and Amy 10 if this was taken in the summer of 1992. I am 61 now, Amy's been gone 7 years. Time is so fleeting, but yet seems to drag on. Mama went into the hospital in mid February. Amy was in the hospital all of the month of March. Early spring is always such a difficult time for me, but once we celebrate Amy's homegoing on April 8th, I usually start to feel renewed and getting on with my life. This year has been an exception. I'm not babysitting my two grandkids as my daughter is not working due to the shutdown. My days seem to drag at times even though I try to keep busy. We are turning our old bedroom upstairs into a playroom for the kids. Going through all my children's old toys from the attic and using a lot of Amy's pictures from her room, curtains, blankets and stuffed animals brings back memories and tears. What a blessing it is to have kept all those things and to be able to make a space for the little ones to play and make memories of their own in Grandma and Grandpa's home! I hope they have as many good memories of their childhood years as I have had of mine.
My mother was such an amazing woman. God gave her a gift of drawing, painting, and seeing beauty in all things. She shared her love of nature and music and the arts with all who knew her and I have been so blessed over the years to be able to call her my Mama. She had a child like faith. She knew that she "could do all things" and that God's "grace was new every morning." My grief is still too raw to share much right now, so I will share the pictures of my grandkids from the day we gathered to celebrate their Aunt Amy's 7th year with Jesus.

The sky was just perfect that day. It was windy but beautiful. 

I was looking over my last blog before I started writing, and I was reminded how much life has changed since Jan. 2.

I was sharing my word for the year...surrender...and I quoted Ravi Zacharias who said, "It is in surrendering to God that we win, and it is in dying to self that we live. For ultimately, we look forward to a destiny where He who defines love will hold us accountable.” 

I closed my blog by saying, "Can I possibly do anything but surrender to my Lord's will for everything He brings daily into my life in 2020?" 

Everything He brings daily into my life..... Did any of us know what 4 months would bring and the changes that we would have to make in our lives?

I still feel the same, though.  Surrendering daily, sometimes hourly even, is the only thing that is getting me through each and every day.  

Only God knows what the next 4 months will bring. I choose to have faith like my dear Mama. "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength," and "His compassions never fail, they are new every morning, Great is Your faithfulness."