My Story

When I started this blog after Amy died it was mostly about her life and also about me coping with the loss of a child. As time has passed it has turned into more my story than Amy's but then I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't had Amy in my life.

I imagine some of you reading this already know most of my story, but I feel compelled to share a little of it on this holiday we call Independence Day, July 4th.

After graduating from high school I took a summer job working in the Black Hills of South Dakota at Mount Rushmore. It was our country's bicentennial, 1976, a presidential election year and a lot of special events were planned. The faces (as we called Mt Rushmore) were lit every night and there were fireworks on special occasions. I don't remember those as much as I do the people I met and the friends I made for a lifetime. I would turn 18 that summer and my life would be forever changed.

My roommate and I were in each others wedding and we visited over the years as our families grew, not an easy task as we lived 1500 miles apart. We still keep in touch, not as often, but the closeness is still there and will always be.

Another special person that I met that summer was at a street dance in a little town called Hill City, in a cowboy bar. He asked me to dance and I said, “Yes.” Then 6 months later he asked me to be his wife and I said, “Yes.” A little less than 6 months after that I said, “I do.” That was 43 years ago.

So the Black Hills of South Dakota have always had a special place in my heart. We took a few vacations there when I was young and as an adult I've visited at least 6 times since. We honeymooned, enjoyed family vacations, and a few years ago it was just the two of us once again.

I follow South Dakota on Instagram and a few days ago I noticed they were doing a big fireworks show over Mt Rushmore on July 3. I thought it would be much too late with the time change so I didn't give it a second thought. 

This week our governor ordered us back to wearing masks outside the home. This was really a blow to me, as Bill and I had finally gone back to church last week for the first time and realized how much we have missed it. Bill and I didn't wear masks and yes, we sang, loud and with full hearts. Our grandchildren have really been missing interaction with other children at church and I feel so bad for them too.

Last night, for some reason, I was drawn to check out the fireworks. I had no idea that President Trump was speaking and that it was such a bid deal. It really lifted my spirits and I enjoyed seeing people behaving normally for a change. I have missed the patriotic spirit that this country once had and hearing all the music made me think of my parents and especially Daddy, a Marine of the Korean War. I'm actually glad that they are not alive to see how this country has fallen so far away from God.

Early this morning I needed to pick up an order so I decided to stop in the town square and get some pictures of the memorials there.

The Korean War Memorial

World War II Memorial

   

Then on the way home I was taken by the beauty of the little valley we live in. The far group of trees right in the middle are next to the cemetery where Amy lies and our farm is down the hill below the mountain, hidden in this picture.  

As I stopped to take the picture, I remember that Daddy would always take a picture in the cornfield each year on July 4th. So I decided to take a photo of the corn on the other side of the road and then got brave and did my best at a selfie with the sun in my eyes.  

So this is just a piece of "My Story." But my real story follows this song.

Hope

Love

Life

Jesus

 

My Story

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

FOUR MONTHS

Four months.

That is how long it has been since I have written my thoughts for this blog. Many, many times I have wanted to write as I felt the Lord teaching me things I should share with others and then despair would set in and I would wait, not wanting to again be sorrowful in my posts. 

I decided that I must write, no matter if the tears fall or not.

Today is Mothers Day. My first without my mother. She left this world and joined Jesus, Daddy, my sister Erin and my precious daughter Amy on March 7. She was 89 years old. 
How my world has changed since then.

Bill and I were able to travel to Iowa to attend the funeral, but by that time the country had partially shut down and it was family only. I'm so thankful we were at least able to gather as a family and say our goodbyes. 

Mama and Amy about 28 years ago.

I think this is my favorite picture of my Mama and my daughter together. I love the joy on their faces. Mama would have been 61 and Amy 10 if this was taken in the summer of 1992. I am 61 now, Amy's been gone 7 years. Time is so fleeting, but yet seems to drag on. Mama went into the hospital in mid February. Amy was in the hospital all of the month of March. Early spring is always such a difficult time for me, but once we celebrate Amy's homegoing on April 8th, I usually start to feel renewed and getting on with my life. This year has been an exception. I'm not babysitting my two grandkids as my daughter is not working due to the shutdown. My days seem to drag at times even though I try to keep busy. We are turning our old bedroom upstairs into a playroom for the kids. Going through all my children's old toys from the attic and using a lot of Amy's pictures from her room, curtains, blankets and stuffed animals brings back memories and tears. What a blessing it is to have kept all those things and to be able to make a space for the little ones to play and make memories of their own in Grandma and Grandpa's home! I hope they have as many good memories of their childhood years as I have had of mine.
My mother was such an amazing woman. God gave her a gift of drawing, painting, and seeing beauty in all things. She shared her love of nature and music and the arts with all who knew her and I have been so blessed over the years to be able to call her my Mama. She had a child like faith. She knew that she "could do all things" and that God's "grace was new every morning." My grief is still too raw to share much right now, so I will share the pictures of my grandkids from the day we gathered to celebrate their Aunt Amy's 7th year with Jesus.

The sky was just perfect that day. It was windy but beautiful. 

I was looking over my last blog before I started writing, and I was reminded how much life has changed since Jan. 2.

I was sharing my word for the year...surrender...and I quoted Ravi Zacharias who said, "It is in surrendering to God that we win, and it is in dying to self that we live. For ultimately, we look forward to a destiny where He who defines love will hold us accountable.” 

I closed my blog by saying, "Can I possibly do anything but surrender to my Lord's will for everything He brings daily into my life in 2020?" 

Everything He brings daily into my life..... Did any of us know what 4 months would bring and the changes that we would have to make in our lives?

I still feel the same, though.  Surrendering daily, sometimes hourly even, is the only thing that is getting me through each and every day.  

Only God knows what the next 4 months will bring. I choose to have faith like my dear Mama. "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength," and "His compassions never fail, they are new every morning, Great is Your faithfulness."

Surrender

For the last few years instead of a New Years resolution I have chosen a word for the year. I pray about what word I will choose because I want it to be something that God will direct me to be aware of in my everyday life. I think about my special word all throughout the year. I see where it is used in scripture and when that word comes up in anything I read or sing. The words I have chosen over the past 5 years are mercy, grace, joy, prayer, and community. 

So, since Christmas, I have been once again wondering what word the Lord will direct me to.

I just started studying the book of Proverbs and so I thought about the word listen, as this word is used quite often in Proverbs. That is an area of my life I could really use some work in! So I was thinking that I would choose that word but God had other plans. 

I was really praying during the worship service last Sunday that somehow He would confirm the word, listen. Pastor Brant preached on the Twenty-third Psalm and my heart was thinking Shepherd. That kind of defines my job right now as Grandma babysitting my grands and I need to remember that they are little lambs that need guidance. They have lots of my love, that comes naturally, but I need to remember the guidance and not so much the spoiling. Then after the sermon we sang this song.

Surrender

I need the One who holds tomorrow
To give me peace about today
You never said this would be easy
God give me faith to say

I will walk through the flames and I will praise Your name
I surrender, I surrender all
I won’t wait for the mountaintop, I’ll claim You here
I surrender all to You

So I won’t worry about tomorrow
I will give my all today
My life I live to make a difference
God give me strength to say

I will walk through the flames and I will praise Your name
I surrender, I surrender all
I won’t wait for the mountaintop, I’ll claim You here
I surrender all to You

Give me faith that moves the mountains
A perfect love that casts out fear
God I know You'll never leave me
You’re here with me to stay

I will walk through the flames and I will praise Your name
I surrender, I surrender all

I surrender all,

I surrender all

All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all

You can listen to our service with this link. The song is at 1:16:33.

Martinsburg Grace Brethren Church

God was impressing upon my heart that I should choose the word Surrender. But I wanted to give it more time. It was still a few days until the new year, and besides I didn't have to have my word by New Years Day!

I looked surrender up on Blue Letter Bible. Even using different versions it isn't used in the Bible but a few times and then it only refers to surrendering in a battle. The Hebrew and Greek words they use mean “to deliver, give up, give over, give into the hands of another.”  I wasn't sure. Did I really want to "surrender" every day?

Then I read this article:

Hindsight, Eyesight, and Insight

and Ravi Zacharias said,

“Twenty-twenty vision calls for us to see clearly what ultimately matters and not be blinded by things temporal. A daughter who went all too early and a diagnosed fatal disease are sobering reminders to love while we have the opportunity. It is in surrendering to God that we win, and it is in dying to self that we live. For ultimately, we look forward to a destiny where He who defines love will hold us accountable.” 

He who defines love will hold us accountable. That sealed it.

Surrender is my word for this year. Can I possibly do anything but surrender to my Lord's will for everything He brings daily into my life in 2020?