BREATH

We had a wonderful trip to Alaska, but I can't write about that yet. I don't have my thoughts in order or even my pictures all edited. I do want to share what happened today and my thoughts about it.

I had a list of things I wanted to get done today, a list just in my head. But God had other plans for my life today. But God....

Today I held a kitten for a few hours and stroked it's fur and gave it comfort while it struggled to breathe and finally died. 

We got two female kittens in late spring this year. They were born around Amy's birthday in March. We haven't had kittens for a few summers and I thought it was time to have some kittens again.

They were great fun watching them play and grow. Mari looks Siamese (but is not) and Allie is the gray and white one. I naively thought we wouldn't have any more kittens until next spring! 
While we were in Alaska my daughter messaged me and said that Marie was pregnant! She had her kittens on Sept 21 just a few days after we got home. She had 5, but one was dead. So we have had 4 little kittens for the last 5 weeks to love on and take care of. They all live outside and call my little garden shed home, as I had fixed up the basket that Mari and Allie slept in when they were first here, hoping Mari would have them in there and she did! She has been a good mommy cat. 

Bill feeds them first thing in the morning and I usually take them extra treats a little later, coaxing the kittens to try to start to eat solids. This morning was busy so it was after lunch until I finally got out. Only three kittens ran to greet me. I gave them their soft food and called but.....nothing. I had made a little tent over a small table that their basket is under, so I couldn't see in right away. I felt around and found the kitten. He was struggling to breath, convulsed a little like a seizure and couldn't stand or open his eyes. I knew there was no hope. Maybe if I had come out earlier or checked them last night I could have saved it. But we can't undo the past. 

Mari started licking him and I just burst into tears. I decided to bring him in and care for him the best I could.  I cried and sobbed like I haven't for a long time. It's been 5 1/2 years since Amy died and it will soon be the third anniversary of Daddy's death. The grief just all came rushing back. So I guess I just needed a good cry once again. 
I got a little box and put a towel in it and just stroked his fur. He was a gray and white tiger stripe. His fur was beautiful. I had never noticed it so closely before. Every end of the individual hairs were tipped in white. He would take a deep breath and convulse a little and then sleep and breathe so slowly. This continued for a few hours until he was still and I gave him more time to breathe, but I knew he was gone. We hadn't even named any of the kittens yet! We thought we had time.

Yesterday I babysat all the kids for a while and the three oldest went outside to play and run off some energy before naptime. After about half an hour Mari came in to use the toilet and I told her she was staying in now to take a nap. Her three year old reasoning said, "But Grandma, I can still breathe." I said, "What????" and she replied, "I still have breath.  I still have some breath left to play." 
For some reason it cracked me up and then stuck with me. I thought about it again as the poor little un-named kitty was trying to breathe. 
We don't know how much breath we have left. But God does. 
I have had this beautiful song stuck in my head for a few weeks now: 

Great Are You Lord

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only

And all the earth will shout Your praise

Our hearts will cry

These bones will sing

Great are You, Lord.

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs

So we pour out our praise to You only

So I choose to pour out my praise with His breath, if it be in tears or if it be in song or in stroking a dying kitten and listening to God speak to me.