Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee

The year 2019 will soon be over and I almost made it through this holiday season without tears.  Almost!

So a few updates on the last couople of months first. 
Life has been so crazy busy! In September we had a wonderful two week vacation in Nevada, Arizona and Utah, visiting the Grand Canyon and all of the Utah National Parks and a few of the National Monuments and Historic Trails, too. We rented an RV and this year we had a Class B 20 ft. Van. It was perfect for just the two of us. It was great and many memories were made.

In October Emily and I drove up to Maine to visit my mom and family who live with her up there. It was really good to see them. Mama is 89 years young! 

We celebrated Bill's, Brad's, and Will's birthdays in October.

Bill turned 69.

Brad turned 38.

Will turned 5, and he blew out his candles so fast that no one got a picture!

Since then, the time has just flown by. We are trying to do some remodeling in this old farmhouse (built in 1912). It's never an easy thing as we completely remodeled it when we were first married and very young. As the years passed we needed more space and so we added on and let others do most of the work. Now we are trying to repair what 42 years has done to some of the upstairs bedrooms. We want to make a kids playroom and a decent guest room. We are trying to do it ourselves and we are a lot older now! We took a break before Thanksgiving, for hunting season,  Christmas tree sales, and holiday preparations. Come the first of the year we will start back up again and we'll see what we can accomplish this winter. The grandkids are only getting older and noisier and need a space of their own away from the living room. Actually you all know that it is Grandpa and Grandma who need the quiet and extra space, not the children!

Emily had a birthday and so did the youngest Samuel who is now 2. 

We took the boys on the Santa train and out to eat for Emily's birthday.

The train coming in viewed from above. The boys heard it before they saw it!

This advent season has been difficult. The first week of HOPE,  I started getting sick. A head cold that went to my chest and lingers still. The second week of PEACE,  I felt frustration more than anything. I was behind with decorating and making presents. The third week of JOY I was struggling to find it. I was spending time with the Lord in prayer and study of His word every day but I just wanted to feel His ecstatic bubbly joy. 
Then I read a newsletter by a favorite author, Jane Kirkpatrick. I had forgotten that in her last news she had mentioned that her husband had cancer (he is the same age as Mama) and they were temporarily moving to a different state to be closer to where he was getting his treatments. So here is an excerpt...

"We are blessed... I look at what we brought with us. Art mostly, special works that bring our life from the ranch,  ...quilts to hang and cover us,  a painting of the Columbia River hills with "Wait. Trust. Surrender" written below the scene. That's now hanging in a place where I can see it every day. Words of wisdom... 

This season we invite you to do the same. Wait for the moments when the light of Jesus comes into your day. Trust that God is with you. Surrender to the unknown, to uncertainty and hold close the promise that God is love and love heals either in this life or the next."

website: jkbooks.com 

"Wait for the moments when the light of Jesus comes into your day." I felt these words were written just for me! I realized that I had moments of joy, I just needed to realize that sometimes moments are better than constant joy. Giggles when a baby's tummy is tickled and the silly things that preschoolers say, cards from friends and kittens sitting on top of the nativity by our door. I started to see the joy around me in what God was providing for me. The fourth and final week of Advent is LOVE. God was pouring out His love for me and I was seeing it clearly. 
Bill and I, each of our kids and spouses and children went to church on Christmas Sunday. Even our "adopted" daughter, Sarah, was home from college. I held the hands of the oldest grands during singing, we all gathered for a photo under the tree, but a part of me still felt like we're not complete. Because a part of me is not here. Amy was always there beside me, I was always holding her hand. 

How can my hands be full of these special ones, but yet feel empty? Like someone is missing?

We celebrated Christmas with the family on Monday and we had a wonderful time. With 4 children under 5 it was a lively time full of laughs and a few melt downs! My table was full of food and people and so was my heart.

Tessa is taking the picture.

But there was still moments that I felt that Amy should be here. I should see her smiling face. She loved Christmas so much!  I am happy but I'm beginning to realize that I will always feel like someone is missing. But I did not shed any tears and I'm starting to believe that maybe time does heal.

Then I read this story to Will and Micah before they went home. I had gotten it out with the stack of Christmas books but had yet to read it this year and I don't remember reading it last year either to the kids.

 

Inside was this message to James when he was 8 years old from my parents. The tears came, pretty ugly tears for 2 little ones to see. Life is so fleeting! Daddy's gone and Mama will join him sometime soon. My little 8 year old boy is now 30 with boys of his own. Where have the years gone? "Everlasting to everlasting." Oh I praise God for the heritage I have been given here on earth and through Jesus Christ for life eternal....everlasting.

Then God showed His love for me in yet another amazing way that brought tears.

Our Christmas Eve service was very special to me as Emily was singing in the choir. Our first song was an ensemble of drums. Wow! After years of being in a church that frowned on drums this was fantastic! Of course I knew that the music to sing with the drums would be "The Little Drummer Boy." Wrong.  Emily glanced at me and once again those tears started because who would have thought you could put Beethoven's 9th and Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee with those drums. 

Amy loved listening to Beethoven and this was the first song that was sung at her funeral. 

God has given me so very much to be thankful for. I think I will always have times of sadness until I go to my eternal home. But I know He loves me and I know I will have many times of great JOY also. 

This is a link to the beginning of the song from church.

https://www.facebook.com/mgbconline/videos/587441605408525/?t=1

A Belated Merry Christmas to all and A Blessed New Year!

A New Name

I've been called by many different names in my 61 years of life. Most people know me as Cheryl. My nickname growing up was Cheri and Mama still calls me that. I've been called daughter, student, wife, and then Mom. First, mom to 3 daughters, then finally a son, mother of a special-needs daughter, home schooling mom, mother-in-law, and then the title no mother ever wants.... this title isn't really given a name, mother who has lost a child, grieving mom, empty arms, a hole in my heart. 

Five years ago today, I got a new name. GRANDMA. Five years that have passed so incredibly fast! He will be starting homeschool kindergarten this fall and he is a loving, tender-hearted child. 

He was named after his Grandpa, we call him Will. I didn't know how to be a grandma. I was scared, so scared that something would happen to him. I was still grieving Amy so very much and didn't really even know it. Before Will learned to say Grandma he got a cousin. 

My oldest daughter had a baby 6 months after Will was born. A little girl named for her Aunt in heaven, Marissa Amy. We call her Mari. I started babysitting her when she was 3 months old. I was not ready to take care of an infant, but God knew I needed her. She will never remember (thankfully) the times, too many to count, that I held her and cried and cried. My heart was still longing to hold Amy, but God gave me two precious little ones to fill my arms at that time. 
And as time passed two more little boys joined our family. The youngest just started calling me Grandma!

I was brushing Mari's hair a few months ago and got out one of Amy's hair barrets to use. It had a tangle of hair in it and I realized that it was Amy's hair and that it was the exact color of Mari's. I knew their hair was similar but it was shocking that it was exactly the same. One of my regrets was that I never cut off a piece of Amy's hair and kept it in a locket. God has given me a little head full of that same hair!
Amy lost the ability to say words. Mari never stops talking. 
Amy used to be very active when she was little but as the years passed she ended up in a wheelchair and depended on us for every need. Mari never stops moving and has always been quite independent! 
I wonder what Amy would have been like if she hadn't had Rett Syndrome. Would she have been like her little namesake? Mari started dance last year to help with some of that extra energy. Even though I had been sick for almost a month I was able to go to her recital.

In July Mari started preschool. I thought my heart would break! I had been teaching her since she was little and she knows all the preschool stuff. But she is a people person and I am not. She needed the interaction with the other children, to learn to share, wait in line, to not talk constantly and not be bossy. She is a typical first born!

While Bill and I were on vacation last week, I got a text telling me that Mari had broken her arm, bad enough that it needed surgery! I handled my own children's injuries better than I was coping with this! I might have even shed more tears than Mari did!

I have a favorite picture of Mari that doesn't even show her face. It shows her excitement, her boundless energy, her joy! We realeased balloons April 8th, the 6th year anniversary of Amy's death, 2 days before Mari turned 4. 

So.... I like this new name I have now. I love being GRANDMA. Even though the grandchildren can not fill that hole for missing Amy, my heart is getting bigger and it is making the hole seem not as large as it used to be. 

Just look at this sweet face! 

Happy Birthday Will!  

My big 5 year old! 

The first to call me GRANDMA!

I have another name too. It is Daughter of the King. Because of Jesus, I will see my Amy again and she will be dancing and singing. We all will be dancing and singing and praising God together!