BREATH

We had a wonderful trip to Alaska, but I can't write about that yet. I don't have my thoughts in order or even my pictures all edited. I do want to share what happened today and my thoughts about it.

I had a list of things I wanted to get done today, a list just in my head. But God had other plans for my life today. But God....

Today I held a kitten for a few hours and stroked it's fur and gave it comfort while it struggled to breathe and finally died. 

We got two female kittens in late spring this year. They were born around Amy's birthday in March. We haven't had kittens for a few summers and I thought it was time to have some kittens again.

They were great fun watching them play and grow. Mari looks Siamese (but is not) and Allie is the gray and white one. I naively thought we wouldn't have any more kittens until next spring! 
While we were in Alaska my daughter messaged me and said that Marie was pregnant! She had her kittens on Sept 21 just a few days after we got home. She had 5, but one was dead. So we have had 4 little kittens for the last 5 weeks to love on and take care of. They all live outside and call my little garden shed home, as I had fixed up the basket that Mari and Allie slept in when they were first here, hoping Mari would have them in there and she did! She has been a good mommy cat. 

Bill feeds them first thing in the morning and I usually take them extra treats a little later, coaxing the kittens to try to start to eat solids. This morning was busy so it was after lunch until I finally got out. Only three kittens ran to greet me. I gave them their soft food and called but.....nothing. I had made a little tent over a small table that their basket is under, so I couldn't see in right away. I felt around and found the kitten. He was struggling to breath, convulsed a little like a seizure and couldn't stand or open his eyes. I knew there was no hope. Maybe if I had come out earlier or checked them last night I could have saved it. But we can't undo the past. 

Mari started licking him and I just burst into tears. I decided to bring him in and care for him the best I could.  I cried and sobbed like I haven't for a long time. It's been 5 1/2 years since Amy died and it will soon be the third anniversary of Daddy's death. The grief just all came rushing back. So I guess I just needed a good cry once again. 
I got a little box and put a towel in it and just stroked his fur. He was a gray and white tiger stripe. His fur was beautiful. I had never noticed it so closely before. Every end of the individual hairs were tipped in white. He would take a deep breath and convulse a little and then sleep and breathe so slowly. This continued for a few hours until he was still and I gave him more time to breathe, but I knew he was gone. We hadn't even named any of the kittens yet! We thought we had time.

Yesterday I babysat all the kids for a while and the three oldest went outside to play and run off some energy before naptime. After about half an hour Mari came in to use the toilet and I told her she was staying in now to take a nap. Her three year old reasoning said, "But Grandma, I can still breathe." I said, "What????" and she replied, "I still have breath.  I still have some breath left to play." 
For some reason it cracked me up and then stuck with me. I thought about it again as the poor little un-named kitty was trying to breathe. 
We don't know how much breath we have left. But God does. 
I have had this beautiful song stuck in my head for a few weeks now: 

Great Are You Lord

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only

And all the earth will shout Your praise

Our hearts will cry

These bones will sing

Great are You, Lord.

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs

So we pour out our praise to You only

So I choose to pour out my praise with His breath, if it be in tears or if it be in song or in stroking a dying kitten and listening to God speak to me. 

What Are You Seeking?

Last week in church every song we sang brought tears: "Blessed Assurance", "I Have This Hope", "So  Will I", and "Not for A Moment (After All)".  Tears of grief, tears of tiredness, tears of false expectations, tears of the unknown future.  I had experienced a pretty hard week and I was exhausted. The sermon was from 1 Kings 18 and 19 and I was encouraged by the example of the life of Elijah. After he had seen God do an amazing miracle on Mt Carmel, he still was fearful and depressed. But God allowed Elijah to hear Him speak. God spoke with a gentle whisper, a still small voice.  As the service was ending we sang, "Good, Good Father," and a dear friend came up to say she had to leave early and I walked out with her. My problems paled in comparison to her health situation. God touched my heart that day with His words and His people.
Yesterday morning I was determined not to have any tears but the first song we sang was "How Great Thou Art." It has always been a favorite of mine, but I will forever have a memory etched in my mind from Daddy's funeral. We closed his memorial service with that song and as our family was led out during the last verse. I turned to see if my sister was coming and she had her arms raised in worship to  "And then proclaim, my God how great Thou art!" Such a sweet but poignant memory....and so once again the tears came. I have learned to accept my tears even though society says I should be ashamed or embarrassed and be done crying by now. Jesus tells me different. Jesus holds me when I weep and I rest in Him.

The last few months have gone by so very fast! In June Emily and I took a long weekend to visit my Mama and sister in Maine. 

Three generations, each 28 years apart.

 Sisters with Iowa roots

In July Bill and I went away for just two days and a night to a little town nearby to celebrate my 60th birthday. 

Laurel Summit State Park, the largest ferns Bill has ever seen.

Mr. Rogers and me.

Founded in 1846, Saint Vincent Archabbey is the oldest Benedictine monastery in the 

United States.

Buttermilk Falls--Mr. Rogers' Grandparents owned this property and now it is a 

county park. You can walk over and under the falls. 

Of course we say lots of butterflies. Always a reminder of Amy.

I started an online summer study a few weeks ago. It is from Beth Moore entitled "The Quest." It is really different from her other studies as most of her studies you learn more about the Bible and as you study the answers are right there in the Bible. This one is a personal journey as you reflect on your own life (with examples from Scripture) and journal prayers to God. This is not something that comes naturally to me so it has been a challenge, but yet I have learned much in the last few weeks. She emphasizes questions that God asks, and that others ask of God, and that we need to ask of ourselves. The one that has meant the most to me so far is "What are you seeking?" 
I was to think back over my life and write what I have been seeking. As I began doing this I thought how much easier this would be if I was still 20 or even 40! There is a lot of things my young foolish self sought and now at 60 years I know those things will not ever come to be. Ever since I heard about the Appalachian Trail in my teens I wanted to hike it.  Then as a young mom I realized there was the Continental Divide Trail! I read stories of people hiking even with small children and dreamed.....but somehow along with some of my other dreams just living life takes over and time passes. There is a business to run, bills to pay, children to teach.....and our dreams start to change. Then there is colleges, weddings, grandchildren and.....loss of loved ones.....and our dreams start to change even more. 

Isaiah 46:9-10 says, "Remember the former things long past, For I am God , and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like Me. Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things which have not been done, Saying, "My purpose will be established, And I will accomplish all My good pleasure."

God knows my future, my end.  He knew it before I was even born, before I even had a beginning. So yes my dreams fade and change, but that's OK, because God knows. He loves me and His will is the best. 

Daddy loved to travel. It started with relief work after WW2 to Poland when he was 16, and then to Korea with the Marines in the Korean War. We always took family vacations and he and Mama went a lot of places when we all left home. But he always talked about going to Alaska. He bought books about it, looked at maps and dreamed.....  

I encouraged him to go as the years went by. I wanted him to sell a little of that Iowa land and take his dream trip. He'd always say, "No, that land is for you girls." I remember asking him when he and Mama were here for Amy's funeral about his dream of Alaska. He said they would never travel again. They were too old, too many health problems...but he was content; they'd travelled enough in their life. 

Two and a half years later he completed his last journey. This one into the arms of Jesus. 

That Iowa land was sold and divided between Mama and his "girls."  

Tomorrow Bill and I leave for Alaska. Yes, Alaska!

It has always been a dream of ours, too, but we really never thought it would come to be. 

Thank you, Daddy. We will be remembering you every day.

Thank you Lord Jesus, we trust You with each step of our journey.