My redemptive epic

"The package you’re called to unpack everyday is who you really are —

your real calling.

So unwrap your real story — because if you deny your story, you deny not only yourself…  but you deny the very Author Who is writing your redemptive epic."  Ann Voskamp

I stayed angry at God for a day and then my heart began to soften. I studied more scripture, thought about people in worse conditions than myself. It wasn't like the Dr. told me I'd never walk or what if I was going blind? I think there are a lot worse things than just succumbing to the fact that my body is wearing out. It is what happens to everyone when they age.  I started therapy this week and they feel with strengthening my muscles that I should be able to do the things I would like to do in life. They also feel that if I am having a lot of knee pain, then a knee replacement would be recommended, even if the Dr.s say I'm too young. Doctors are to care about our quality of life. Right? Or is it that the insurance doesn't cover it on a younger person? I don't know, but I don't really care right now. I'm working on healing and getting my life back as much as I can without Amy. 

My husband and I are now downstairs sleeping in Amy's room and I am enjoying it. I like to redecorate and figure out how I can use old things to look good in a different setting. Since we put our bed in a different place than Amy's was we decided to mount her tv on the wall. My husband and son worked for a few hours until they got the right mount and to get the tv up. Then we couldn't remember where any of the wires went since we didn't take notice of where they were when we unplugged them!  After getting out the manuals and trying for an hour or so, we gave up and called the tv man to come out the next time he was in our area. He came a few days later and had to push two buttons. We had it all hooked up right, just didn't know what we were doing!

I had painted Amy's two dressers before my surgery, but was waiting to get matching drawer pulls. Since I was really unable to shop I got them online at Lowes. The one dresser needed 5 inch and the other 3 3/4 inch handles. The 5 in. was great! Screwed them right in, but the other came with some screws I'd never seen before. You actually cut them to fit. So after searching in his "stash" for screws that might work, my poor husband had to take them out to his "shop" and cut the 8 screws so they would work. I think he will be so happy when I am done with this room project!

I was humbled by the comments people made to my last blog. A friend from the next state over posted this on facebook:

 

"It’s a hard world. Even the best of Christians are feeling the weight of weariness. Little wonder we are to “Encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13)."
I see courage and grace in you (3 names), (and then my name) and many of my other friends battling the hardness of life today - You inspire me and I love you dearly for being part of my life!!!

And then she posted this link:

The right question to ask on hard days 

I was humbled even more. 

My sister said:

"My precious sister, how my heart aches for you and wants to make everything the way it was before. Even in the midst of anger you still cling to Him. I applaud your honesty and am once again humbled by your bravery and your never wavering faith."

And if she was humbled I'm even more humbled yet. 

I guess it was o.k. to be "real" and let you all know that I was angry. My sister said that even in the midst of anger I cling to Him. What else can I do? He is my life. He is in the place in my heart now where He should have been before Amy was taken from me.  

Today in my Bible reading in Luke 23, verses 33-37 jumped out at me.

" When they came to the place called The Scull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. But Jesus was saying, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing."  They cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. And the people stood by, looking on. And even the rulers were sneering at Him, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if this is the Christ of God, His Chosen One.”  The soldiers also mocked Him, coming up to Him, offering Him sour wine,  and saying, “If You are the King of the Jews, save Yourself!”

^{I have grown up in the church and I know the stories, I know Jesus said this, but it was different now.  I was thinking, as they were driving nails into His hands and feet He thought this. Not only thought this, but as they were mocking and sneering at Him, gambling over his clothes He actually voiced it! Said it out loud! Why? And then He told me, not in a voice, but in my heart, I knew. Because He loved them. Even as they were killing Him, He loved them.} 

^{So how could I possibly ever be angry at Someone Who loves so deeply. Who loves ME so much?}

^{As Ann says: He is writing my story. My redemptive epic. How can I tell the Author I don't like the way the story is going when I don't even know the end?} 

 

Angry at God

I'm angry.

I'm beginning to feel like Job. 

God didn't allow all my family to die, but He allowed the most precious member of our family. Amy was the glue that held us together. 

He hasn't taken all of our animals, but He allowed Amy's dear pony and our sweet little dog to die.

Now it seems He wants my health. 

Today I went to have my stitches removed and the follow-up after surgery. The Dr. showed us pictures of the inside of my knee. The meniscus was pretty torn up but I'm healing well and need some physical therapy, which I knew I would need and welcome it. I like the people who work there and after the exercises I enjoy the 20 minutes of elec stim where I just get to lay there and read for awhile. I'm sure the meniscus was pretty bad because I just ignored the pain when Amy was in the hospital and after and during my therapy for 2 months. But the other pictures and news were not so good.

What I found out today is that my arthritis is pretty bad in that knee. The Dr. doesn't want me to kneel, squat down, or bend my leg more than 60 degrees. Ever, even with therapy. I don't have any cartilage between the knee cap and the bone. No running, no jumping, no climbing.
This more than anything hit me like a brick. I have been more mad at God today than any time over Amy's death. I feel like He is trying to take everything that is important to me and my life means nothing anymore.

No kneeling in prayer, no kneeing at Amy's grave, or lying prostrate--how would I ever get back up! No running with future grandchildren in play. I asked the Dr. if I would ever be able to go hiking again and he said with time, but laughingly said I couldn't climb over rocks and boulders. That should have been ok, but my desire is to hike the mountains with my husband again, not a smooth path around a lake. Now that we have the freedom to do that with Amy not being here to worry about and arrange care for, He has taken the reality of that dream away also. 

My husband says to not be so depressed; my daughter says to defy the doctors and prove them wrong. I can't stop crying in fatigue, depression, and anger. 

I know some of it is the narcotics I have been on to help with the pain. But I'm not going to take them any more. I started to feel dizzy the last couple of days and I kept taking them anyway to help me sleep. I know now I need to stop.  I know they are affecting my attitude, so I need to just control the pain and sleeping with the over the counter stuff.

This isn't the usual type of blog I write. I thought about waiting until my mood improved, but this is who I am, right now. 

So......is our house next?

If you know the story of Job, you know what I mean. If not read the first couple of chapters and then the last couple of chapters.  Better yet, read the whole book.  

I'll tell you what I have written on the last page of Job. This was a foot note in one of the Bibles we had once. A Scofield I think.I copied it down because it answered any questions I had about Amy.
Maybe I should apply it to more than just questions about Amy.

"Beyond the revealed purposes of God, there still remains much mystery. And for this there is no answer, except the attitude of worship in which we humbly acknowledge that a Sovereign God cannot be required by men to give all the reasons for what He chooses to do." 

And then I have written Romans 11:33-36  

^" Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!  For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor?  Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory  forever. Amen."

I still don't understand, but I do know my anger will pass. I know God still loves me at this moment in my anger and despair, and is holding me even closer. I just can't feel it right now....
That is why I live by faith and not by feelings.