The Proof of Your Love

If you are a mother of a special child, or acquainted with one, you might have heard the story, "Welcome to Holland." The story goes that a lady was planning on a trip to Italy, studied up on it, knew all the places she wanted to visit, knew Italian even, but when she arrived they welcomed her to Holland. She was very upset! She didn't want to go to Holland, she didn't want to be in Holland. She didn't know what to do, where to go, or even how to speak the language. But in Holland she had to stay and learn the best she could. The story was much longer and more detailed, but it is an allegory on what it is like to be a mother of a special child. 
I was thinking about this a few days ago. I think it is more true for me now then when Amy was born. 
I have always wanted to be a mom. I was married at 18 and had my first child at 21. I feel like I have always been a mother! I loved life when my children were babies. I loved life the most when we were all homeschooling. I loved life through the college years of my oldest. Then too soon,  I was done homeschooling and the youngest  was off to college. I didn't love life so much anymore. I missed my little ones. I started pouring my life into Amy. She was still my baby and I could still read to her and be her voice. We became so close. She was still my child, but she was also my confidant, my companion, my friend. And now.......................

How do I live life without her?

Once again, over a month has passed since I last wrote. It has been on my heart many times of what I wanted to share with you, but I have actually been very busy. This time it is not of unconcern but of being too involved with living. I am learning to live life without my darling Amy. But she is always on my mind, sometimes tugging my heart strings that bring tears, sometimes making me smile. 

Wild Lupines in Maine

My oldest, Tess, and I traveled to Maine to visit my dear sister and her family and to also attend the wedding of Tess's college friend. There were also two other girls there from their school years. I was pretty involved in her life back then. The girls have all stayed in our home different times throughout those years so they knew Amy. As we were waiting for the wedding to start, my mind wandered back to those years. Amy was 16 when Tess was a freshman and 20 when Tess finished college. She was still walking although she needed support. She was very healthy and loved going places. What fun those days were. Life was precious.

Taken through the glass of the lighthouse

Owl Head Light

The wedding was very hard for me to get through. I was so happy for the bride and groom, but also very sad. I knew they would have sorrows ahead of them and it really bothered me to the point that when we went through the receiving line I could only give her a hug and weep. Hopefully she thought my tears were tears of joy.

The other event that kept me busy this past month was a baby shower for my daughter-in-law. We did a cowboy theme and we put a lot of planning into it. There was a great turnout and I was really happy the whole evening. 

The baby doll was one that James carried around when he was little. The clothes on the doll was what he wore home from the hospital. The rocking horse my dad made for me when I was 3.

We chose cowboy names and had mustaches to wear. I chose Cash for my name.

This is Cooper.

Laura and baby, she chose Montana for her name.

 My other sister and her daughter from Ohio were able to come to the shower and spend the next day with us.We also have two new little kittens!

Then on July 8 it was the 15 month anniversary of Amy's departure from this earth. Sometimes no matter how many good things happen, when I let grief take over all I can think of are the bad things.
My husband's brother used Amy's death as an excuse to get more money from their father's estate. Dad passed away just a few months before Amy and his estate is still being settled. The lawyer gave us a copy of the letter that he had received. I was livid. I felt like hitting someone, I was so angry. I was still in mama protection mode, although Amy no longer needs my protection. I allowed this to control my life for a few days. Then I thought about how Amy would think about all this.
Also a friend of mine lost her grandmother and she shared details of her death. This brought back all the memories of Amy's hospitalization and death and it was a very rough time. 
As I was driving home last week I pleaded with the Lord to show me proof of His love in some tangible way. I had read about things like this happening to others. Why not me? Show me something? Please? I sat at the cemetery for about half an hour. Nothing, only the words in my head, "For we live by faith and not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7

Yesterday, I spent the day shopping at a much larger town than our little one. It is about a 45 minute drive. I like to take the back road instead of the interstate. On the way, just a few miles from our house, a mama deer and her little fawn slowly walked across the road in front of me. Then across the mountain and a few more miles I saw a whole flock of newly shorn sheep playing in a field next to the road.
I then went by some farms where Mennonites live. They are of an Old Order and so they dress like Amish. There was a little tyke, about 5 or so trying to get a large milk cow in from the field. He was running and he had a stick and the cow was running, too. 
What a precious gift those 3 pictures in my mind are to me! Do I really need proof of God's love?  
That same day I heard a song that had these words in the chorus:

So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You and what You're made of
How You lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love.

This is my prayer. That my life will be the proof of His love.

My "Bleeding Heart"

It has been exactly one month since my previous post. I could tell you that I have been on an exotic vacation somewhere or that I have been so busy enjoying life that I just haven't had time to post, but those would be lies and the truth is....
I just haven't cared. 

This past month has been one of existing, but not with joy or deep sorrow. Just being. 

The last few days I have felt the need to get my thoughts and memories down, because if I don't soon,  I won't be able to remember what it felt like between the 13th and 14th months of the anniversary of Amy's death.  
Tomorrow it will be 14 months. As my recent blogs has shown, I think I'm coming to the terms of how Amy is right now. She is not in the grave, although I still keep it nice looking and have lights and butterflies on it. I know she is with God and at peace. I am at peace with where she is.
It is my life, my thoughts, my attitudes that I am having trouble with. I just don't seem to have much feeling about anything anymore. 

Last month on the 8th, I got my hair done and spent the day shopping. I used to love to have a day just to shop with no deadlines. This time it was more discouraging than anything. I did buy Steven Curtis Chapman's CD " The Glorious Unfolding"  which made my cry most of the way home as I listened to it. God has given him such a gift with words and knowing that he has lost a child also, makes me feel connected.

On Mothers Day we went to church but I had asked ahead of time if we could be in the nursery with the babies. It was easier for me to cope if I wasn't upstairs with all the smiling faces and the  "Happy Mothers Day" greetings. 

The following Sunday, I sang for the first time with the worship team since Amy left us. We rehearsed the songs earlier and I did fine. Then, when we were singing the last song,  This is the Air I Breathe   and I came to the lyrics, "I'm lost without You," it just slapped me in the face. I had not slept well the night before and I woke up thinking that I was lost without Amy. I don't know what to do without her. I truly feel lost without her. This song is talking about being lost without Jesus but the connection right then, hit me so strong. I was able to finish singing but cried in the pew afterwards. 
But I'm not giving up. I will continue to sing God's praises even if I cry.

I used to be such a caring compassionate person. I have changed. I don't care much what people think about me and I don't care if I lose people who I thought were friends. Those who didn't show much concern when Amy died or spouted Scripture in my face when I just needed a hug have changed my opinion of them. 
I'm being honest here.  It is the grief process I am going through and I know it has changed me.

Bill cut off a pretty weeping pussy willow tree that I have had for quite a few years. It had died over the winter. All my roses that were about 5 feet tall have been almost cut down to the ground. They also froze down over the winter. I could see all of these from Amy's windows and we talked about them often. Now they are gone.

Yesterday as I was weeding I contemplated cutting some of the branches off the perennial that was growing over Amy's garden area. Then it came to me that the perennial is called "Bleeding Heart."  I decided this was perfect and left it whole, keeping watch over her little bed of flowers.