Amy's last month of life- Part 1

I haven't felt like writing for quite a while.

Almost two weeks ago, my husband and I took a Sunday off and spent some time alone. We ended up doing some work at our mountain cabin we built on our land about 17 years ago. I was dreading seeing the inside as sometime over the summer, porcupines had chewed their way inside and set up camp  for awhile. I felt there had been enough destruction in our life lately and I didn't want to see more. Well, it was bad, but we worked on it, cleaned up what we could, and we know with a little more hard work we'll be able to fix it up again. We spent time talking about the future,  how our perspectives of life have changed. Our children grew up so fast and now..... one is no longer here. 
I have been feeling like just getting through with life, wanting to be in heaven with Amy and just going through the motions until God calls me home. Something happened that afternoon, though. It was like I finally realized that I could live for another 30 years or more! What was I going to do with the rest of my life? Where was God leading me next? I was just a little bit excited to think about the future. I felt more encouraged that day, even though there were tears, than I had for quite some time. 

So I have had more good days then bad days. 
But I can't live in a bubble of my own home. I have to get out once in awhile to shop and this time of year is very hard. I see Amy in everything I look at. The Christmas stuff is almost depressing. I have no desire to decorate and  I'm not doing very well on my shopping. 
We are having the family over for Thanksgiving,though. I will make a big turkey and the girls will help out by bringing some side dishes. We are using the dining room table. It will be hard....but I am determined to do it....and we will get through with God's grace. I'm sure there will be lots of tears, but my family is getting used to me crying all the time! 

Two days ago I finished using the last of Amy's perfume. She had mostly body sprays. I would use them on her very liberally and she would smell so good. Everyday for her month long stay in the hospital she was lotioned up and perfumed. The hospital let us use our own. Now all her perfumes are gone. I threw the last bottle in the trash and another piece of my heart went also. 
How many pieces of my heart can I lose until I have nothing left?

This week I saw an ambulance parked at McDonalds. Just sitting there, no siren, no flashing lights, no emergency. As I waited in the drive through lane it all came rushing back. That first ride in the ambulance eight months ago.  I decided I wasn't hungry and went to the cemetery and cried.

I need to tell those who don't know us about Amy's last month. I need to read the journal my daughter and I kept of our hospital stay and share what happened the last month of Amy's life. I feel a need to do this, but it will hurt. I have tried to block it out for so long now and maybe if I confront it, I can get over it. 
On  Tuesday, February 26, 2013, Amy came home from her day school and seemed tired. That wasn't unusual, she was tired a lot after school and I would always lay her down and let her nap if she wanted. She would listen to a story and most of the time fall asleep. That night she had a low fever before bed and I decided to keep her home from school the next day. I still wasn't too concerned. Wednesday she slept quite a lot, but ate well and I was debating if I should take her to the doctor or not. She still had a low grade fever Wednesday night but slept well. Thursday morning her fever was up and she was having trouble breathing. That was very unusual for Amy. She had pneumonia just once before and that was about almost a year to the day when she got sick this time. Last year we took her to the ER and they ran some tests and we took her home to recover. No hospital stay. No complications. 
Amy has always been healthy. If she would get sick, usually she wouldn't eat much and she would sleep a lot and get over it. Nothing in Amy's whole life or my life had prepared me for what was to come.........
 

Seven Months-Part Two

Yesterday I planned to just get through the day.

I had a dentist appointment in the morning and so I thought I would journey out to do some shopping afterwards. I was able to get through the appointment without anyone mentioning Amy. That was a good thing, because I knew I would dissolve into tears if someone asked me how I was doing.
I spent a good deal of time in Hobby Lobby as I enjoy doing crafts and I love hearing the Christian music they play in the background. 
My shopping was going well. I was shopping for my youngest daughter's birthday. She will be 27! I was also shopping for items to go into the Samaritan's Purse Christmas boxes. This is the first time our family has donated boxes and we each decided to do one, so I was looking for little items for 3 boxes. If you have never heard of it, click  Operation Christmas Child.
So my shopping day was going great until I was in Kohls. I was walking down the aisle and a lady with a older girl in a wheel chair came my way. We smiled at each other in passing and I glanced down at the girl, smiled and said hello. She just looked at me and said something I couldn't understand and then my tears started. 
I was able to control them until..... I saw it. A Christmas ornament display right in the middle of the aisle on the way to the children's clothes. The same display was there last year when we had our Christmas family shopping day. My husband and I bought Amy two ornaments that day, as we planned on saving one for this Christmas. 

Of course, we had no idea that Amy would not be here this Christmas to give it to. 

About four years ago, I started buying Amy an ornament each year. My oldest daughter had taken all her ornaments and my son had taken his, so I decided our tree could use a few more. Amy was so taken with the Disney fairies that we bought one of those for her each year. This year she would have gotten another one. 
There were a few ladies looking at the ornaments and I just stared at the cute Tinkerbell ones they had and then I had to touch them and the tears started again. I wanted to tell the ladies that I have a daughter and she is perfect and beautiful and I wanted to be able to buy her another ornament, but she is in heaven now. They just glanced at me, looked away, and quickly left. 
I couldn't control my tears this time and I just decided to make my purchases and leave. 
I had a good cry in the car and prayed for strength. 
It was late when I got home and I was exhausted. I showed my daughter what I purchased (except her presents) and then checked my email.
My oldest daughter (who doesn't share her feelings very often) posted this on facebook:
 
"A part of you has grown in me, together forever shall we be, never apart, maybe in distance, but not in heart."-Anonymous

I burst into tears again and couldn't stop crying. My youngest came in and hugged me and I asked her if she would sit on my lap. I held her and rocked her the way I would have Amy. We sobbed together.

I haven't held her like that for probably 20 years. I cried for all the years that are past, that can never be again. I cried for my adult children who are facing so much pain also and I can't make it better for them. I cried most because I will never hold Amy in my arms again. 

So the seven month anniversary passed and I did get through it. By God's grace, I got through it. 

Tomorrow we are to have a Harvest Banquet after the church service with turkey and all the fixings. Then we are having special music. 
I can't bring myself to go. I haven't been to a church meal without Amy. I just can't do it yet. 
So...... we plan on sleeping in and then spending some time getting our cabin ready for hunting season. We'll spend the time together,  just my husband and I, but Amy will be with us in our hearts and we will worship God in the midst of His creation tomorrow. Maybe not the way some people think we should, but the way that seems best for us right now.
Amy loved going up to our cabin for cook outs. She loved riding the 15-20 minutes in the truck to get up there. Even the last couple of years, when it hurt her to sit without the support of her chair, (just my arms), she loved to go there. We kept a wheel chair in the cabin so she could be comfortable and she would enjoy the sights and sounds and smells of the woods.  
I will think about that tomorrow. I will try to just BE. To take in the smells, sounds, and really see the stillness. I'll try to praise God for all the things that Amy has taught us. And for the thirty-one years and one month that He gave her to us.

This was snapped on a cold day last week. The wind has taken a lot of the pretty leaves off the trees but the new grass is so green and some of the daffodils are coming up in front of the stone. But they will soon all be asleep under a layer of snow. 
How comforting to know that Amy is in the arms of Jesus and it is just her earthly shell that lays here.