Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Monday mornings are my day for laundry and paperwork. Two of the tasks I dislike the most so I get them done the first of the week. Owning a small family business and being the one in charge of the finances I consistently tried to do the bookwork every single week. It was something Daddy taught me throughout the years, but I believe he did his bookwork on Sunday afternoons because being a farmer he didn't have any other time to sit in his office. Farming is a little different now but my memories are from 30- 40 years ago.

I haven't been as faithful the last few years since my daughter-in-law took over the business paperwork for me. This past Monday I sat at my desk in my office and glanced at the calendar. Every week I would faithfully change the little wooden calendar that Daddy made and Mama painted. (The top of my desk rarely gets dusted, it is filled with little things that are precious to me, and the grandchildren know they are not allowed in my office unless they ask and I am with them.)

I looked at it again and the date jumped out at me. April 12. The day Emily and I left on our three week adventure together. In some ways I feel like my life just sort of stopped at that point. I've been busy, but my mind just hasn't been all in. I've been in undiagnosed pain since January, I even started using a cane to get around. Sometimes I couldn't even think straight and would get so discouraged. I felt like I had aged 20 years! But with pain killers and chiropractic care I was managing. During that time a new grandbaby was born. She is now 5 months old and such a beautiful and sweet tempered child. My oldest had a birthday and my 3^rd grandchild turned 6. We celebrated Amy's Homegoing Day, Easter and a week later Emily and I packed up and started driving west. The purpose of our trip was to visit with those who are special to Emily, to share about her plans and for her to say a “goodbye” for at least the next 4 years. She leaves for Southeast Asia in September.

We made stops in Illinois, Iowa, South Dakota and Missouri. Emily was so kind to me as she would help me out of the car, grab my cane, and even support me if the ground was slippery. We mostly stayed with friends of Emily, our first stop with a college friend in Chicago. In Iowa we stayed with my 81 year old aunt, just a mile away from the farm I grew up on. The young family who now own and work the farm invited us inside and it touched my heart to see the place I grew up in and called “home” for 57 years being so loved and cared for. We visited my parents, sister and grandparents graves and planted flowers. It was hard to say goodbye to my aunt. She is a wonderful woman, devoted to the Lord and prayer. 

 On to South Dakota where we stayed with friends of mine I have known since we were both teens. They have a beautiful ranch and we saw so many baby calves, ate good food, and talked about life. We also were able to see a few of their children and grandchildren. We drove farther west and met up with a college friend of Emily's and played tourist for a few days in the Black Hills and Badlands. Next to another of Emily's friends who also live on a ranch and we actually were able to see a calf being born, feed the horses and 100's of cows. 

Our last stop was in Kansas City with another of Emily's friends, but I have known her and her family since she was 3! We were also able to visit much of the extended family who lives nearby. 

We had such good times at each of the places we stayed at. As we traveled my pain started to decrease and now with dieting and exercise I am finally starting to feel like myself again.

I have been meaning to write about our trip and share pictures since we got home, but 2 whole months have passed and the words just wouldn't come. While we were away I got a message that my 21 year old niece was missing. A few days later her body was found. She was the baby cousin of my family, coming 11 years after my youngest child. She has two older siblings.  I was there when she was born, helping to take care of the older children. Her mom, my sister, was here 8 years ago helping me when Amy died. Now she is going through the grief of losing a child also. My heart aches for her. We don't live close so I can't be there to help her. I pray for her comfort and for healing. 

Time doesn't stop. It has a way of continuing, if we want it to or not.

Emily leaves in 2 months. As I said, I have been busy, taking care of the grandkids, gardening, the usual. But all with the thought of Emily's leaving. God took Amy to live with Him and gave me eight wonderful years with my youngest daughter for comfort and companionship. She is my best friend, but it is time for her to live her own life, the life that God has planned for her.

Most of the time I'm ok. But I do have my moments! A few weeks ago, as she was singing beside me in church, I wondered how I would be able to bare her not being here. Then today, we started the service with “Victory in Jesus” and also sang “Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone”, two of the songs that were 'Amy's songs', sung at her funeral. There were people sitting between us and I was holding the new baby, but if our eyes would have met, she would have understood my gaze.

That's what I'm going to miss. The connection to the grief, the growing, the leaning on the Lord, and the sharing what we have learned in His word.

Pastor Daryl shared the story of Helen Lemmel this morning. She was blind, her husband couldn't deal with her blindness and left her, and she lost her job. Yet she wrote this song:

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace.”

The things of earth will grow strangely dim....that's what I want.

I'm tired of thinking of death and living in the past. 

I want to look to the future. 

I want to keep my eyes on Jesus.

I planned to share pictures of cows, calves, horses, prairie dogs, big horn sheep and bison. Scenery of the places we saw. But what matters to my heart is the people. The people that God has put into my life and Emily's life to pray for her on this wonderful journey ahead that she is about to embark on.

   

   

I saw this quote by Lisa Harper "God turns graves into gardens....cemeteries into sanctuaries....weeping into rejoicing. Ultimately He really will work All things together for our good and His glory."  

I turned my calendar to July 4.

REMEMBER-DO NOT FORGET

What a year we have all just gone through! My word for 2020 was surrender. Did anyone ever guess that we all would have to surrender so much in our lives this past year? It was a good word to have, to dwell on for the year, to surrender daily to the Lord as He was and still is in control of everything.

As usual I have been giving much thought to the word God wants me to think upon this year. I had the privilege of doing a Bible study last fall, Jesus and Women In The First Century and Now by Kristi McLelland. It was very informative and after I finished my Advent study I decided to record what I learned in a condensed format in a notebook in case I ever needed to teach the lessons I had learned. I was surprised to realize how much I had forgotten in just a month and so I think this is something I will do as I finish each Bible study that is in a book format such as this one. So in this study the author teaches a lot of Hebrew words and their meanings. I decided to use one of them for my word for 2021, ZAKHAR. It means “to remember.” In the Bible God issues many commands, but He repeats one of them over and over—remember—do not forget.

I tend to remember my hurts and the things that have devastated me, but easily forget all God's little blessings, the beautiful grace filled moments He has given me. Remembering God's faithfulness in my life is the way I plan to step forward into the future. Remembering Him will give me the courage to trust with a renewed faith for this year. He has never failed me in the past and I know He will not fail me in the future.

My last blog was in July. The last half of last year was just as crazy as the first half, but we did make some memories. We had what will become our annual back-to-school sleepover at Grandpa and Grandma's house. It was just an August sleepover-in-a-tent-in-the-living room because the two oldest were just starting kindergarten! This year it will officially be a back-to-school (hopefully) and also possibly an outside event.

In September Bill and I took a small vacation of epic proportions. We drove down the Shenandoah Parkway and the Blue Ridge Parkway. The first four nights we stayed in a tent on an air mattress, until a hurricane went through, completely soaked us, and our air mattress got a leak. Both on the same night. God was clearly telling us that we are more RV people than tent people but once again we made wonderful memories and we were able to spend some time with Bill's sister and nephew in SC before we made the drive back home.

Birthdays were not celebrated all together in October as last year, due to busy schedules and quarantines. The oldest grandchild turned 6, Bill turned 70 and our son-in-law had a birthday also.

Emily's birthday was in November and was bittersweet as has been every event this past fall. She hopes to be in Southeast Asia by July, serving the Lord there for the rest of her life, as has been her desire since she was a little girl. We don't know what our country or the world situation will be like in the near future, but God holds her in His hands.

December brought the birthday of our youngest grandchild. He turned 3, a loving little tyke so advanced in his learning, I wonder what great plans God has for his life? I know it's going to be something very special.

We also started another yearly tradition in December—a nativity play at Christmas with the grandkids. The two oldest had to play double roles since the younger ones didn't want to be in it! So Will got to be Joseph and the angel and Mari played Mary and a shepherd. It was a lot of fun preparing and trying to keep it a secret from their parents.

Christmas is always a blessed time for me. What can be sweeter than celebrating the birth of our Savior? I still make a Jesus Birthday Cake, as my mother did, and we sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. I love to see the light reflecting in the eyes of my grandchildren as we sing to Jesus!

Even as the year seemed to drag on, looking back it has passed quickly and now a new year is here. I know for some of you reading this must think that remember might seem to be a strange word to focus on when the last year has been so hard. Actually the last 8 years have been difficult for our family. But God.... isn't that always Who we should be looking to? He has showered us with His faithfulness even in hard times.

And we have much to look forward to.....

Any day now our new little granddaughter will be making her entrance into this world.

Thank you Lord, for Your blessings to us.

Psalm 77:11-14

I will remember the works of the LORD;

Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.

I will also meditate on all Your work,

And talk of Your deeds.

Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary;

Who is so great a God as our God?

Yor are the God who does wonders,

You have declared Your strength among the peoples

My Story

When I started this blog after Amy died it was mostly about her life and also about me coping with the loss of a child. As time has passed it has turned into more my story than Amy's but then I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't had Amy in my life.

I imagine some of you reading this already know most of my story, but I feel compelled to share a little of it on this holiday we call Independence Day, July 4th.

After graduating from high school I took a summer job working in the Black Hills of South Dakota at Mount Rushmore. It was our country's bicentennial, 1976, a presidential election year and a lot of special events were planned. The faces (as we called Mt Rushmore) were lit every night and there were fireworks on special occasions. I don't remember those as much as I do the people I met and the friends I made for a lifetime. I would turn 18 that summer and my life would be forever changed.

My roommate and I were in each others wedding and we visited over the years as our families grew, not an easy task as we lived 1500 miles apart. We still keep in touch, not as often, but the closeness is still there and will always be.

Another special person that I met that summer was at a street dance in a little town called Hill City, in a cowboy bar. He asked me to dance and I said, “Yes.” Then 6 months later he asked me to be his wife and I said, “Yes.” A little less than 6 months after that I said, “I do.” That was 43 years ago.

So the Black Hills of South Dakota have always had a special place in my heart. We took a few vacations there when I was young and as an adult I've visited at least 6 times since. We honeymooned, enjoyed family vacations, and a few years ago it was just the two of us once again.

I follow South Dakota on Instagram and a few days ago I noticed they were doing a big fireworks show over Mt Rushmore on July 3. I thought it would be much too late with the time change so I didn't give it a second thought. 

This week our governor ordered us back to wearing masks outside the home. This was really a blow to me, as Bill and I had finally gone back to church last week for the first time and realized how much we have missed it. Bill and I didn't wear masks and yes, we sang, loud and with full hearts. Our grandchildren have really been missing interaction with other children at church and I feel so bad for them too.

Last night, for some reason, I was drawn to check out the fireworks. I had no idea that President Trump was speaking and that it was such a bid deal. It really lifted my spirits and I enjoyed seeing people behaving normally for a change. I have missed the patriotic spirit that this country once had and hearing all the music made me think of my parents and especially Daddy, a Marine of the Korean War. I'm actually glad that they are not alive to see how this country has fallen so far away from God.

Early this morning I needed to pick up an order so I decided to stop in the town square and get some pictures of the memorials there.

The Korean War Memorial

World War II Memorial

   

Then on the way home I was taken by the beauty of the little valley we live in. The far group of trees right in the middle are next to the cemetery where Amy lies and our farm is down the hill below the mountain, hidden in this picture.  

As I stopped to take the picture, I remember that Daddy would always take a picture in the cornfield each year on July 4th. So I decided to take a photo of the corn on the other side of the road and then got brave and did my best at a selfie with the sun in my eyes.  

So this is just a piece of "My Story." But my real story follows this song.

Hope

Love

Life

Jesus

 

My Story

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

FOUR MONTHS

Four months.

That is how long it has been since I have written my thoughts for this blog. Many, many times I have wanted to write as I felt the Lord teaching me things I should share with others and then despair would set in and I would wait, not wanting to again be sorrowful in my posts. 

I decided that I must write, no matter if the tears fall or not.

Today is Mothers Day. My first without my mother. She left this world and joined Jesus, Daddy, my sister Erin and my precious daughter Amy on March 7. She was 89 years old. 
How my world has changed since then.

Bill and I were able to travel to Iowa to attend the funeral, but by that time the country had partially shut down and it was family only. I'm so thankful we were at least able to gather as a family and say our goodbyes. 

Mama and Amy about 28 years ago.

I think this is my favorite picture of my Mama and my daughter together. I love the joy on their faces. Mama would have been 61 and Amy 10 if this was taken in the summer of 1992. I am 61 now, Amy's been gone 7 years. Time is so fleeting, but yet seems to drag on. Mama went into the hospital in mid February. Amy was in the hospital all of the month of March. Early spring is always such a difficult time for me, but once we celebrate Amy's homegoing on April 8th, I usually start to feel renewed and getting on with my life. This year has been an exception. I'm not babysitting my two grandkids as my daughter is not working due to the shutdown. My days seem to drag at times even though I try to keep busy. We are turning our old bedroom upstairs into a playroom for the kids. Going through all my children's old toys from the attic and using a lot of Amy's pictures from her room, curtains, blankets and stuffed animals brings back memories and tears. What a blessing it is to have kept all those things and to be able to make a space for the little ones to play and make memories of their own in Grandma and Grandpa's home! I hope they have as many good memories of their childhood years as I have had of mine.
My mother was such an amazing woman. God gave her a gift of drawing, painting, and seeing beauty in all things. She shared her love of nature and music and the arts with all who knew her and I have been so blessed over the years to be able to call her my Mama. She had a child like faith. She knew that she "could do all things" and that God's "grace was new every morning." My grief is still too raw to share much right now, so I will share the pictures of my grandkids from the day we gathered to celebrate their Aunt Amy's 7th year with Jesus.

The sky was just perfect that day. It was windy but beautiful. 

I was looking over my last blog before I started writing, and I was reminded how much life has changed since Jan. 2.

I was sharing my word for the year...surrender...and I quoted Ravi Zacharias who said, "It is in surrendering to God that we win, and it is in dying to self that we live. For ultimately, we look forward to a destiny where He who defines love will hold us accountable.” 

I closed my blog by saying, "Can I possibly do anything but surrender to my Lord's will for everything He brings daily into my life in 2020?" 

Everything He brings daily into my life..... Did any of us know what 4 months would bring and the changes that we would have to make in our lives?

I still feel the same, though.  Surrendering daily, sometimes hourly even, is the only thing that is getting me through each and every day.  

Only God knows what the next 4 months will bring. I choose to have faith like my dear Mama. "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength," and "His compassions never fail, they are new every morning, Great is Your faithfulness."

Surrender

For the last few years instead of a New Years resolution I have chosen a word for the year. I pray about what word I will choose because I want it to be something that God will direct me to be aware of in my everyday life. I think about my special word all throughout the year. I see where it is used in scripture and when that word comes up in anything I read or sing. The words I have chosen over the past 5 years are mercy, grace, joy, prayer, and community. 

So, since Christmas, I have been once again wondering what word the Lord will direct me to.

I just started studying the book of Proverbs and so I thought about the word listen, as this word is used quite often in Proverbs. That is an area of my life I could really use some work in! So I was thinking that I would choose that word but God had other plans. 

I was really praying during the worship service last Sunday that somehow He would confirm the word, listen. Pastor Brant preached on the Twenty-third Psalm and my heart was thinking Shepherd. That kind of defines my job right now as Grandma babysitting my grands and I need to remember that they are little lambs that need guidance. They have lots of my love, that comes naturally, but I need to remember the guidance and not so much the spoiling. Then after the sermon we sang this song.

Surrender

I need the One who holds tomorrow
To give me peace about today
You never said this would be easy
God give me faith to say

I will walk through the flames and I will praise Your name
I surrender, I surrender all
I won’t wait for the mountaintop, I’ll claim You here
I surrender all to You

So I won’t worry about tomorrow
I will give my all today
My life I live to make a difference
God give me strength to say

I will walk through the flames and I will praise Your name
I surrender, I surrender all
I won’t wait for the mountaintop, I’ll claim You here
I surrender all to You

Give me faith that moves the mountains
A perfect love that casts out fear
God I know You'll never leave me
You’re here with me to stay

I will walk through the flames and I will praise Your name
I surrender, I surrender all

I surrender all,

I surrender all

All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all

You can listen to our service with this link. The song is at 1:16:33.

Martinsburg Grace Brethren Church

God was impressing upon my heart that I should choose the word Surrender. But I wanted to give it more time. It was still a few days until the new year, and besides I didn't have to have my word by New Years Day!

I looked surrender up on Blue Letter Bible. Even using different versions it isn't used in the Bible but a few times and then it only refers to surrendering in a battle. The Hebrew and Greek words they use mean “to deliver, give up, give over, give into the hands of another.”  I wasn't sure. Did I really want to "surrender" every day?

Then I read this article:

Hindsight, Eyesight, and Insight

and Ravi Zacharias said,

“Twenty-twenty vision calls for us to see clearly what ultimately matters and not be blinded by things temporal. A daughter who went all too early and a diagnosed fatal disease are sobering reminders to love while we have the opportunity. It is in surrendering to God that we win, and it is in dying to self that we live. For ultimately, we look forward to a destiny where He who defines love will hold us accountable.” 

He who defines love will hold us accountable. That sealed it.

Surrender is my word for this year. Can I possibly do anything but surrender to my Lord's will for everything He brings daily into my life in 2020? 

Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee

The year 2019 will soon be over and I almost made it through this holiday season without tears.  Almost!

So a few updates on the last couople of months first. 
Life has been so crazy busy! In September we had a wonderful two week vacation in Nevada, Arizona and Utah, visiting the Grand Canyon and all of the Utah National Parks and a few of the National Monuments and Historic Trails, too. We rented an RV and this year we had a Class B 20 ft. Van. It was perfect for just the two of us. It was great and many memories were made.

In October Emily and I drove up to Maine to visit my mom and family who live with her up there. It was really good to see them. Mama is 89 years young! 

We celebrated Bill's, Brad's, and Will's birthdays in October.

Bill turned 69.

Brad turned 38.

Will turned 5, and he blew out his candles so fast that no one got a picture!

Since then, the time has just flown by. We are trying to do some remodeling in this old farmhouse (built in 1912). It's never an easy thing as we completely remodeled it when we were first married and very young. As the years passed we needed more space and so we added on and let others do most of the work. Now we are trying to repair what 42 years has done to some of the upstairs bedrooms. We want to make a kids playroom and a decent guest room. We are trying to do it ourselves and we are a lot older now! We took a break before Thanksgiving, for hunting season,  Christmas tree sales, and holiday preparations. Come the first of the year we will start back up again and we'll see what we can accomplish this winter. The grandkids are only getting older and noisier and need a space of their own away from the living room. Actually you all know that it is Grandpa and Grandma who need the quiet and extra space, not the children!

Emily had a birthday and so did the youngest Samuel who is now 2. 

We took the boys on the Santa train and out to eat for Emily's birthday.

The train coming in viewed from above. The boys heard it before they saw it!

This advent season has been difficult. The first week of HOPE,  I started getting sick. A head cold that went to my chest and lingers still. The second week of PEACE,  I felt frustration more than anything. I was behind with decorating and making presents. The third week of JOY I was struggling to find it. I was spending time with the Lord in prayer and study of His word every day but I just wanted to feel His ecstatic bubbly joy. 
Then I read a newsletter by a favorite author, Jane Kirkpatrick. I had forgotten that in her last news she had mentioned that her husband had cancer (he is the same age as Mama) and they were temporarily moving to a different state to be closer to where he was getting his treatments. So here is an excerpt...

"We are blessed... I look at what we brought with us. Art mostly, special works that bring our life from the ranch,  ...quilts to hang and cover us,  a painting of the Columbia River hills with "Wait. Trust. Surrender" written below the scene. That's now hanging in a place where I can see it every day. Words of wisdom... 

This season we invite you to do the same. Wait for the moments when the light of Jesus comes into your day. Trust that God is with you. Surrender to the unknown, to uncertainty and hold close the promise that God is love and love heals either in this life or the next."

website: jkbooks.com 

"Wait for the moments when the light of Jesus comes into your day." I felt these words were written just for me! I realized that I had moments of joy, I just needed to realize that sometimes moments are better than constant joy. Giggles when a baby's tummy is tickled and the silly things that preschoolers say, cards from friends and kittens sitting on top of the nativity by our door. I started to see the joy around me in what God was providing for me. The fourth and final week of Advent is LOVE. God was pouring out His love for me and I was seeing it clearly. 
Bill and I, each of our kids and spouses and children went to church on Christmas Sunday. Even our "adopted" daughter, Sarah, was home from college. I held the hands of the oldest grands during singing, we all gathered for a photo under the tree, but a part of me still felt like we're not complete. Because a part of me is not here. Amy was always there beside me, I was always holding her hand. 

How can my hands be full of these special ones, but yet feel empty? Like someone is missing?

We celebrated Christmas with the family on Monday and we had a wonderful time. With 4 children under 5 it was a lively time full of laughs and a few melt downs! My table was full of food and people and so was my heart.

Tessa is taking the picture.

But there was still moments that I felt that Amy should be here. I should see her smiling face. She loved Christmas so much!  I am happy but I'm beginning to realize that I will always feel like someone is missing. But I did not shed any tears and I'm starting to believe that maybe time does heal.

Then I read this story to Will and Micah before they went home. I had gotten it out with the stack of Christmas books but had yet to read it this year and I don't remember reading it last year either to the kids.

 

Inside was this message to James when he was 8 years old from my parents. The tears came, pretty ugly tears for 2 little ones to see. Life is so fleeting! Daddy's gone and Mama will join him sometime soon. My little 8 year old boy is now 30 with boys of his own. Where have the years gone? "Everlasting to everlasting." Oh I praise God for the heritage I have been given here on earth and through Jesus Christ for life eternal....everlasting.

Then God showed His love for me in yet another amazing way that brought tears.

Our Christmas Eve service was very special to me as Emily was singing in the choir. Our first song was an ensemble of drums. Wow! After years of being in a church that frowned on drums this was fantastic! Of course I knew that the music to sing with the drums would be "The Little Drummer Boy." Wrong.  Emily glanced at me and once again those tears started because who would have thought you could put Beethoven's 9th and Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee with those drums. 

Amy loved listening to Beethoven and this was the first song that was sung at her funeral. 

God has given me so very much to be thankful for. I think I will always have times of sadness until I go to my eternal home. But I know He loves me and I know I will have many times of great JOY also. 

This is a link to the beginning of the song from church.

https://www.facebook.com/mgbconline/videos/587441605408525/?t=1

A Belated Merry Christmas to all and A Blessed New Year!